


On It Goes.

by midgardianfangirl



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Bisexual Dean Winchester, M/M, Protective Bobby Singer, Sam Ships It, dean has flashbacks of john beating him, end game!Destiel, human!Cas, john winchester is a homophobic asshat, more tags to come as the story progresses., this is a bit of a slowburn but i have a good feeling
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-01
Updated: 2016-10-07
Packaged: 2018-05-30 12:38:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 35,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6424534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/midgardianfangirl/pseuds/midgardianfangirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The battle between Amara and Lucifer is over, this deems the beginning of Castiel's war with Lucifer.<br/>Castiel loses. He dies, sacrificing himself yet again for his Humanity. But Chucks back and luckily Cas gets another chance. What will he choose to do with his new Human life from now?<br/>The future holds first dates and first heartaches and all the while Sam and Dean stand by his side. (Dean a little bitter towards the guys holding Cas's affection but he should have just manned up hey?)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The One With The Battle.

Dean and Sam watched on helplessly as their friend fought a losing battle with the Devil. The Brothers watched on, injured and helpless as Castiel’s vessel crumbled before their eyes. They swore they could hear the cracking of ribs and other bones as the two Angels fought for control over Jimmy Novak's body. 

_Amara, the Darkness had fallen dead and defeated before the Devil victorious had rounded on the Winchesters. The battle had taken place in a clearing, a few miles away from the nearest road. The Winchesters drove as close as they could to ground zero, a huddling of trees lining the field halted them, they had to take the rest of the journey on foot. It was a warmer day than most for this time of the year, but the shine that covered the human’s skins was more out of fear and agitation than from the humid air._

The battle between Lucifer and Amara had seemingly made the earth stand still, and Sam couldn’t recall feeling a single fresh breeze blow through the trees since she fell to the ground. 

_When Lucifer had rounded on the Winchesters, he had been talking to himself or more likely, Cas. Before he acknowledged them. Castiel had done something ‘bad’ and Lucifer muttered about it as he left Amara's body on the ground rounding to them, a cruel slick grin on Cas’s usually kind and gentle face._

The brothers had been standing and watching from a few meters from where they were currently hiding within and behind the crumbled remnants of an old cabin. The wooden walls would do little to protect them from anything, let alone the Devil but Dean was wounded too, and he could only drag his little brother so far. 

_Castiel's punishment for his transgression was to be, having to watch his only two companions, be slain by his very own hands. First Sam, then Dean, part of the torture for him was to watch Dean being broken watching Sam die. Lucifer wanted Cas to know that even if he did manage to take control, his hunter would never forgive him after that. Dean had tried to step in but found himself flung into one of the few remaining walls of the crumbled cabin. When he woke, Sam was screaming angrily at Lucifer yet promising Cas that he forgave him, while Lucifer broke the bones of one leg before starting on the second._

Dean blinked away the pain and grogginess of his previous unconscious state and had tried to move through the pain. Lucifer turned to him as he stumbled to stand but something else joined the party. Sam was suddenly distracted by the pain in awe of the bright white light that was shooting down from the sky above encircling Amara's body. 

_Lucifer tilted his head, assessing the situation, his movement reminded Dean and Sam of what Castiel did when he was confused or bewildered. “Daddy’s home.” He said twitching his eyebrows at Sam before turning his back and walking towards the light. However, it withdrew before he reached it taking Amara with it. Lucifer wasn’t impressed.  
Dean had taken that moment to drag Sam behind the half-broken wall of the cabin. They could still both see the situation unfolding but as Dean fell to the floor gripping his chest and his suspected broken ribs, besides Sam, who was positioning his broken and bloody limbs there was little they could do to help their friend._

“Dean” Sam had whispered urgently, “You’re bleeding.” 

Dean lifted his arm to assess the damage to the injured he sustained while landing on a pile of wooden floorboards, a deep gash from almost his hip to his armpit. 

“M’ fine Sammy.” Dean had said with a shake of his head watching Cas and Lucifer though a hole in the wall. He let Sam start to remove the splinters of wood from bleeding skin despite his protest. 

Before Lucifer could turn back to the Winchesters, even more, infuriated than before, the shared vessel began to shake; blood began dripping down his body, where it originated they didn’t know. His shoulders and knees were straightening and cracking in ways that wouldn’t hold a human up, but yet the Vessel remained standing. 

The brothers had become all too accustomed to the difference between voices used by Castiel and the Devil. Every time in the past two months since they discovered the intruder, every time Castiel regained control his deep raspy voice had washed over them both like a wave of relief compared to when they heard the most natural tone of voice leave the same lips when Lucifer had won over again. Unfortunately, it also made it clear to them both, that the cries of pain that were leaving the mouth of the vessel were Castiel’s and not the Devils. Lucifer had questioned them about how long they thought Cas could hold out, how much his already weakened vessel could bare. The memory had Dean crawling to his feet; he didn’t know what he was going to do, but he had to do something.

A pained whine, one that made the onlookers cringe broke through the air, followed by another horrible cry as blood began soaking into the white dress shirt that Lucifer had remained in after ditching Cas’s trench coat. 

“CAS!” Dean cried out before Sam grabbed his arm and tugged him desperately, trying with all his remaining strength to pull Dean back to the limited safely. Dean remained standing; he couldn’t walk away, not from this, not from Cas.

Deans cry had captured attention, whether it was that of the Angels or the Devil, Dean didn’t know yet. The man turned slowly; Dean was scared at who would greet him. His face was splattered with blood, a line of it dripped from his hairline and down his face.

It took Dean several precious seconds to recognize to one who turned to him. Cas.

Castiel looked, even in this state, _so different_ from Lucifer that Dean doubted, if they even survived this battle, that he would ever forgive himself for not noticing the second they walked out of Hell. It was probably Dean’s heart-broken and drained mind, but he was different from the way Lucifer carried himself in every way, from the way he stood even in his injured state, to the way Castiel’s eyes shone. The blue eyes sparkled when Cas was feeling any and all emotions, emotions he learnt from humanity, but Dean's favourite was when the Angel smiled. A proper smile, gums and all, those were Dean's favourites. It hit him like a ton of bricks that unless some miracle happened, he would never see Cas smiling again, he would never see _Cas_ again. 

It wasn’t like in the movies, every moment of their time together, good or bad, didn’t flash through his mind, although, only staring at Cas’s eyes for their limited time Dean did feel almost relief washing over him. Then he realised, _Castiel was healing them._ He looked down at Sam, who was watching Cas shaking his head in disbelief, “No Cas, save your strength” Sam pleaded weakly, but it was done. It happened in what seemed like an instant, but the sensation of his flesh moulding back together and bones reforming was something that still unnerved  
them.

Suddenly there was a piercing scream, Dean and Sam covered their ears in pain; the thin wooden walls shook around them. Another scream, it hurt them physically less this time, as if their ears were adjusting to the angelic cries. Then Jimmy Novak or Castiel or Lucifer, Dean and Sam didn’t know anymore, but the vessel fell to the ground in a heap, and there it stayed. 

“CASTIEL!” Dean screamed, but Sam jumped to his feet just as Dean had and used his larger body to halt his brother physically. “Cas!” Dean yelled, but Sam pulled him down until they both landed on the ground. 

“Dean! No!” Sam yelled, “Look!” Sam said pushing Dean to look over the crumbling wood.

A murky dirty yellow smoke of grace was rising from the fallen body, the grace of the Devil.

Mere seconds later a second grace rose following its brother. Castiel. It wasn’t any longer the blindingly pure blue-white light that it once was, and it was evident, even in the way the grace glided through the air, that he was weak. 

Despite how obviously this simple action affected him, Castiel rose, facing his brother. The two angels, the two brothers began circling like two boxers in a ring before a battle. 

The Winchesters stood up, the shock of the sight before them instinctively making them both take a few steps back blindly. 

A surprised too loud cry from Sam as he stepped on a crumbled panel of floorboard breaking through the small drop to the ground below, caught the attention of Lucifer. It wasn’t one of pain, just surprise, Sam tugged his foot back up desperately as the boys prepared to run, where, they didn’t yet know. 

They would never make it to the Impala, and Dean doubted he would have the strength to drive away and leave Castiel here, alone to die at the hands of his own brother. There wasn’t much Dean could do for Cas, but he felt, at least, he could make sure his best friend didn’t die alone.

The Angels stopped their circling, the sight of the angels became clearer to the humans the longer they remained in one place. They could now see that Castiel is still a remarkable figure, but his form represented the shape of a man much more than Lucifer's did. Despite their differences, both the angels had soft shadows of wings, Lucifer more so than Cas. Cas's looked burnt and broken with missing feathers in many spots. What had once been a screeching sound coming from both Angels was now becoming clearer and clearer as words to the Humans. It was still hard to listen to, and only certain words would be coherent to the brothers ears.

They heard the words ‘brother,’ and ‘humans’ repeated, the latter spoke with almost disbelief as if Lucifer still questioned with whom Castiel's loyalties lied. 

Then, after a few seconds of calm, the Angels met in the middle, cries of war rang through the silence as they fought in their mid-air battlefield. Clashes of a body on another, yelps of pain, anguish, and as Castiel fell again, taunts to Castiel from Lucifer regarding the painful ways that the Devil was going to torture the Winchesters after Castiel was dead, specifically what he was going to do to Dean. 

The almost human shape his grace was now taking made it easier to see the way the Angel pushed himself up as he approached the other angel who was laughing mirthlessly his back to his brother now approaching where the Winchesters sit.

Before he got much further, Castiel launched himself from behind and enveloped Lucifer's murky grace within his. Seconds past, the cries grew louder and most desperate to the point that Dean had to cover his ears trying to deafen himself to cries he knew belonged to Castiel.

"Dean, we need to move," Sam said grabbing him again and trying to tug him.

Dean didn't reply, he stayed stock still, his hands covering his ears, his eyes pinned to the battling Angels.

"Dean look up! Look at the sky! We need to move, now!" Sam said desperately, and Dean finally looked away from the battle and was greeted by an all too familiar sight.

The clouds above the battling angels were circling, the clouds ripe with pure power and grace. The preparation for a smiting.

Dean's shock lapse as he processed what was happening allowed Sam to lead him to run away, they got to the cover of the trees before Dean stopped and turned back. He couldn't leave.

"Dean c'mon!" Sam begged but Dean couldn't.

"I can't leave him here Sam, not alone, not if he's gonna die. He's doing it for us." Dean spoke while turning, his words dying in his throat as he turned to see the light above the Angels.

Lucifer, still confined within Castiel but flaws were appearing in the angels grace, holes which showed the sick contents of the twisted Arch-Angel.

Suddenly a thunderous boom cracked through the air, and it was almost a fireball that remained in the angels places. Embers of the explosion of grace rained down upon Jimmy's body. 

"CAS!" Dean screamed, but Sam grabbed him around the waist and held Dean back. 

As the white-light withdrew again, Dean hit and kick at any of Sam that he could reach, when he finally broke free, he ran towards the body of his best friend.


	2. The One With Car Rides And Confessions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the aftermath of Castiel's death, the Boys begin the drive back to the bunker. Sam hazards a guess, Dean makes a confession and Sam makes one of his own too. But why were the clouds circling again?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Contain's flashback to Dean's childhood.  
> Cue Asshat!John and Awesome!Bobby.
> 
> Contains child-abuse. (Beating) Only minor detail.

Dean shouted his name as he ran towards the body of his best friend. The numbness he felt after watching Amara die turned to nausea as he ran with shaky legs towards Cas. He yelled at the sky in anguish, but when he reached the body, Dean fell silent falling to his knees by the body.

Dean buried his face into the other man’s chest, the dirt and blood splattered over the white dress shirt Lucifer kept them in, was no matter to Dean.

“You son of a bitch Cas, dammit.” He swore his words muffled by the fabric as he kept tight hold of his body. 

“Bring him back!” Dean snarled releasing Cas and looking up at the sky where the clouds had been circling. “BRING HIM BACK RIGHT NOW!” Dean begged, and he looked down at Castiel. 

The explosion had littered debris of grace on the ground below burning blisters on Cas’s body, and little holes had burned through his clothes to the skin below. 

“Cas wake up” Dean begged his voice raw, he shook Cas’s body desperately until Sam knelt beside him and tried to pull him away. 

“He’s not in there anymore; Cas is gone, Dean,” Sam said trying to be calm and reason with his brother. 

Dean ignored Sam’s words, and the hands trying to pull him away, he just kept holding Cas. It wasn’t meant to be like this, why. The damn angel always put himself last. He healed them; when he should have kept his energy, his strength. 

“Dean,” Sam spoke trying again, but Dean shrugged him off.

“Shut up Sammy, just stop,” Dean grunted before he stood up and he paced back and forth a few times before dropping back to his knees to stop Sam from taking Cas’s pulse. 

The longer they stayed here, the worse the sickness grew in Dean’s stomach. It was soon clear that the illness wasn’t just the result of losing Cas, and it wasn’t long until Sam voiced his issue.

“I feel ill Dean, the longer we stay-” Sam had said after watching Dean pace intently.

“It’s from the smiting; I guess when Cas healed us it would have protected us from the initial blast but only so much. I mean, he can’t even heal smiting sickness, so we’re lucky.” Dean explained using his finger to wipe a droplet of blood away from Cas’s eye. “We should probably leave the area.” He added but made no effort to move.

“Bunker?” Sam asked with a sigh. It wasn’t a sign of exasperation or annoyance but rather a cry of helplessness. Sam knew there was nothing he could do for Cas, and Dean wouldn’t be okay until Cas was okay. The two people he loved most in the world were suffering, and he couldn’t help them.

Dean replied he mirrored his brother's spoken word adding a curt nod. “Bunker.” 

A few more moments passed, Dean looked on the verge of tears, and Sam felt empty at the sight. 

“Bring the car as close as you can okay?” Dean said reaching into his pants pocket to pull out the keys and holding them out for Sam.

Sam stared at Dean, and then to the keys dangling from his hand.

‘I’m not leaving him here Sam.” Dean said looking down at the body again while his brother stared at him. He cleared his throat and repeated himself, “Go and get the car. I’ll bring Cas.” he said as he wiped another drop of blood away.

Sam finally noded and took the keys before he rose to his feet. He walked away, looking back he saw Dean spit a mouthful of bile onto the grass away from Cas. Dean then began positioning himself to lift Cas into his arms. 

“You want me to get him? You get the car?” Sam asked watching Dean drop to his knees again looking broken. 

“No Sam, go.” Dean replied, “I’ll catch up.” He promised waving Sam away, before coughing and spitting again. 

Sam nodded, obeying his brother's directions to go on, he walked on looking back he was a good few yards away from Dean now, but he was still there crouched over Cas’s broken body. Sam debated turning back to help his brother, but as he watched the way his brother's shoulders were shaking made it clear, this was a private moment. Dean was sobbing violently clutching to Cas; Sam walked on; he almost felt like he was intruding. It was Sam now who was fighting back tears before they fell as he walked, it wasn’t a sign of weakness, but he needed to be strong for Dean, Cas would have wanted him to be. 

He tried to job a few yards but quickly stopped as it only made his stomach worse. The next time Sam looked back, Dean was following behind him with Cas in his arms.

It wasn’t a long walk, a little over 500 yards, by average it should only take about 5 minutes for a healthy person to walk that distance. The Winchesters, they were healed from their grave injuries, yes, but the effects of the smiting sickness and the extra weight of his dead best friend in his arms, Dean and Sam’s journeys took closer to 10 to 15 minutes. 

Sam did manage to run the few feet through the trees and then the half mile through long grass to where the Impala was parked; Dean was catching up to him quickly because Sam had been lagging. He did pay for his spurt of energy he sat against the Impala, light-headed and he spent almost a whole minute hacking up a liver. 

He regained himself, and moved the Impala as close as he could to the trees he had passed through, there was no clearing to get any closer, they’d have to carry Cas over the rocky terrain. 

Sams spurt of energy was because that time he looked back, checking on his brother and their angel, Dean looked close to collapsing himself. With an end in sight, perhaps Dean might be more willing to accept help.

No such luck.

“I’ve got him, Sam,” Dean muttered walking on, brushing off his brother's attempt to help. 

“Dean, it’s alright, I can help,” Sam argued walking ahead of his brother, lifting Cas’s dangling hand and tucking it over his chest. Sam’s argument fell on deaf ears. They could see the Impala through the trees now, the shining black metal gleaming against the long brown grass. Sam and Dean stepped carefully, Dean stumbled on roots and rock, as they weaved through the smattering of trees and Sam raised his arms to catch both Dean and Castiel every time he did. 

“The Impalas just there, I’ll take him, Dean, it’s okay.” Sam tried again when he saw the pure relief on Dean’s face at the sight of his car. His expression changed to a scowl, and he only grunted in reply to Sam. 

Ten feet from the Impala Dean started to sway, and Sam did his best to support him, but Dean shook his head weakly in protest.

“Dean, He’s my friend too. Let me help.” Sam told him quietly, with a hand on his brother's shoulder. 

Dean stared at him; he looked mentally and physically exhausted, but Sam knew that he wasn’t going to hand Cas over. 

“Nearly there.” Dean muttered breathlessly, “Just get the door Sam.” he told him nodding towards the car. Sam sighed but obeyed his brother's request. They worked together laying Cas on the back seat of the Impala and almost slid him in. Sam tried to cover the upholstery with a blanket as he pulled Cas into the car but Dean leant over, grabbed it and tossed it aside in a huff as it only hindered their efforts. Finally, they got the Angels body into what Dean deemed a comfortable position and Sam did his best to shut the door by Cas’s feet gently. 

The next time Sam looked around, Dean had slumped against the car, the back door still open. Sam crossed to him in alarm, but Dean calmed him.

“M’ okay Sam, just-” Dean stopped taking deep breaths, “Just-” he sighed again, and Sam nodded. 

“You want me to drive? Even just for a little-” Sam was surprised to see his brother nod.

Sam sat in the driver's seat waiting, his eyes flicked to the rearview mirror as Dean stood up, only for his brother to bend down to Cas’s head; Sam looked away; he was whispering something to Cas, but Dean couldn’t hear him. Sam looked over to Dean again when he stood up; his eyes were wet again, and blood from Cas’s face was on his now. Dean pulled off two layers of bloodstained clothes leaving him in only a tee; he wiped his face on the dirty clothes before getting in the car himself.

Sam and Dean sat silently, this wasn’t how they wanted their reunion with Cas to go, they had longed to have Cas back, have him back in the car, but not like this. They barely even imagined this; they never thought it would be under these circumstances, not Cas sacrificing himself, not again. Dean wrapped an arm around himself, his hand covering this scar on his right shoulder, Cas’s handprint. 

“Dean!” Sam yelled his voice ripe with terror as he flicked on the engine quickly, Dean looked in surprise, Sams cry pulling him out of a daydream.

Sam was already maneuvering the Impala through the grass and onto the dirt road when Dean finally looked behind them to see what had struck fear into his brother. 

The clouds were circling again, and who knew what heaven would do when their Angel wasn’t where they left him? Three beams of light shot down in a row side by side. 

“Uh, Sam?” Dean asked, his already raw voice full of worry at the sight.

“Yeah I saw.” Sam said drawing his eyes away from the rearview mirror and back to the road pressing his foot down a little harder. “We’ll stop somewhere soon, I’ll get us some drinks, and you get the stuff from the boot to make hex bags.” 

“I’ve got stuff for Angel hex bags in here.” Dean told Sam, and he opened the glove box pulling out a leather pouch. Dean pulled out individually wrapped parcels each ready to be bound in leather to ward off Angels. Each one had two bones from a chicken's foot, a temporarily cotton wool covered unbroken spiders egg, and several baggies are holding equal parts lavender, hemp, and goofer dust. Enough ingredients for about seven hex bags.

“You came prepared huh?” Sam commented watching as Dean pulled a satchel from under the seat of sheets of cloth and leather binding robe. 

“I figured we’d need them in case we got Cas back without kicking Lucifers ass.” Dean admitted in a mellow voice as he began to craft a bag.

Sam nodded but remained silent. He watched the rear view mirror every few moments, checking for any sign that they were being watched. Dean saw him and stuck his head out the window, checking the skies for any aerial threat.

Nothing. 

Everything was oddly calm considering two maybe three acts of God happened less than two hours ago. 

They would both be lying if they said the peace was soothing, it wasn’t. Eerie was a better word for it.

It was a little over an hour into their 3-hour journey from ground-zero to the Bunker before they started to feel relief from the smiting sickness. 

"We are lucky Cas healed us actually; without him not only would I have two broken legs but it would have been so worse when we were actually on the spot they got smited. I mean-" 

“Without Cas we’d be long dead, he’s done so much more than we’ve ever given him credit for.” Dean snapped cutting off his brother's words. He didn’t want to talk about this, not about all the things they should have done differently. “We should have said thank-you occasionally. I should have told him.”

“Dean, don’t beat yourself up, you’re right we could have both been a bit more vocal, it’s not your fault.” Sam said, trying to reason with Dean.

Dean slumped back against the car seat in a huff, banging his head on the headrest. “He thought we wouldn’t care.” He said looking over his shoulder at Cas sadly, “Thought we wouldn’t care if we lost him.” Dean added before clearing his throat and looking out the window turning away from Sam’s gaze.

“That’s if Lucifer was telling the truth, we don’t know that he was.” Sam said trying to convince them both of his words. “He is the Devil after all.” 

“Do you think he was lying?” Dean asked sadness coating his voice and Sam didn’t reply. “The Devils a dick but he was always honest about his brothers. He might have been in Cas’s head, we don’t know, but he knew a lot Sam, and he was bloody convincing. 

Dean said remembering the painful memory of times that Lucifer had lectured them on their mistreatment of his little brother. Lucifer had known he hit a nerve, particularly with Dean, and was sure to go over the fact that Castiel gave up everything for them repeatedly. "We both know he had truth to what he was saying, as much as we don’t want to admit it." Dean said his voice tired in more ways than one. Dean remembered the painful memory of times that Lucifer had lectured them on their mistreatment of his little brother. Lucifer had known he hit a nerve, particularly with Dean, and was sure to go over the fact that Castiel gave up everything for them repeatedly.

Sam nodded to himself they drove in silence for almost another hour before Sam finally took notice of the remaining aching nausea in his tummy and pulled over at a rest stop store for a few bottles of cold water and something to fill their stomachs. 

"Dean? You want something to eat or drink?" Sam asked his brother breaking the silence, already intending to buy him his share regardless.

"I don't think I can eat." 

"You've got stop beating yourself up Dean." 

"He's not even been dead for 2 hours, and you want me to get over it?" Dean asked staring at his brother with a dirty look.

It was the same fight, this time, though, Sam took another route. 

"Not over it, Dean, look I know you were closer to him, but it doesn't mean I don't care. Cas was probably my best friend too after you, but until we get back to the bunker, we don't know if there is anything we can do." 

"You never- half the time you hated him, why change now that he's dead?" Dean asked bitterly tossing him a hex bag for protection at him. Sam sat with his door open one leg out ready to leave the car, how he had been when he asked Dean the question.

"Dean,” Sam started, choosing his words carefully, “Cas had his issues, he always had good intentions sure but he-" 

"Just get your food, Sam." Dean spat beginning to make another hex bag with shaking hands.

"C'mon Dean, you can't hold that against me, you-" 

"Go and get your damn food, Sam." Dean snapped loudly cutting off his brother's words. "Don't think for one moment that I've forgotten any of the times that he has betrayed us or kept secrets or let us down, because I haven't. Have you forgotten that Cas's more than made up for those times in my books. How many times has he healed us or saved us or broken rank for us? I mean what have we ever done for him? We made him fall; we never said thank-you, I fucking kicked him out when he was homeless and human..." Dean trailed off taking a gasping breath, tears falling from his eyes again and he resumed looking out the window.

"You loved him didn't you?" Sam asked knowingly after a minute of Dean taking deep breaths trying to regain his composure. Sam had only seen Dean like this a few times; the last two were finding Charlie's body and the Doctors not updating them enough on Bobby's state. 

Dean didn't acknowledge his brother's words for many more moments then he nodded in a tiny movement that, if Sam hadn't been watching him waiting for a reply, he would have missed. 

"You ever tell him?" Sam asked not sounding very surprised after the confession.

"No," Dean mumbled out finally looking over at his brother. 

"Why didn't you tell me?" Sam asked watching him with soft eyes.

"How exactly would you tell me if you were gay for Cas?" Dean asked with false comedy in his voice.

"Dean, I've known you liked men since Louis," Sam said in a low voice.

"What?" 

"I used to 'fall asleep' early so that you could go outside or into the other room with him," Sam explained emphasising his words. 

"Oh," Dean said looking genuinely surprised. 

"I also remember Dad, and you running away to Bobby's house, not seeing you for almost three months," Sam told him, his voice growing thick in his throat as he got lost in thought. Sam didn't remember much of the night, but he knew his Father well enough to stitch together memories of what his Father would have said and done to Dean after catching him with the other boy before Bobby had interrupted the quarrel and practically ripped John off his son.

Dean was quiet after Sam’s confession, his mind replaying his memories of the first boy he had ever kissed, his first real friend since their mother died, the first friend he had his age in the nearly twelve years since his Dad had started hunting. Dean remembered the difference between his first kiss with him and his first kiss with a girl, the inner turmoil any kid in the mid-nineties when they were trying to figure out why they felt attraction towards both genders. Dean remembered the anger in his father's voice; it had been seething with disgust. He remembered telling the other boy to run, and he remembered the first impact of his father's blow. Dean remembered Bobby pulling his father away and telling him to sit in the car, but instead Dean ran; the boy couldn't bear to listen to John's words about him, about how John feared Dean would spread his germs to little Sammy. Bobby had picked him up a few miles down the road ten minutes later and quietly told him to ignore his Papa. When they got back to Bobby's house, he had received a rough hug, and Dean murmured a 'thank you' to Uncle Bobby before the older hunter had told him to go to bed. 

"I'll get some food and drink, then we'll make do with what we've got at the bunker when we get there," Sam spoke up, pulling Dean from the painful memories, speaking as he opened the door again and made his way to the rest stop. Sam had made sure to park inconspicuously to prevent drawing attention to themselves or the body in their back seat. The sun was beginning to set now, and they were feeling slightly more comfortable on their journey despite the ominous figures they witnessed.

Dean watched Sam go; he entered the store before Dean looked away and found himself staring over his shoulder at Cas again. 

Dean sighed and took a deep breath before knitting his hands together in his lap, he cleared his throat and shut his eyes. 

"Here goes nothing."


	3. The One With The Prayer, Blue Chew Cookies & Meeting Dad.

"Dear Lord, it's Dean. I don't know if you're up there, or you've even got your ears on but I would rather think you've gone home than to think any of the Angels up there have enough power to do the things we've witnessed today. I hope you have Amara locked up or that she is indeed finished because we are sick of her. But as for Cas, the one you smited when you took out Lucifer? Cas deserves better. All the other Angels say Cas came off the production line wrong, but I don't believe that. Cas was the only one of those winged dicks you made right. He's screwed up and made mistakes; you don't have to tell me, I know, but he always tried to help. All he ever did was try to help. You wanted the to look after humanity right? Caring isn't a flaw, to the other Angels, they call it his weakness, that's bullshit. Cas healed us even with his limited strength. He must have known you were just reloading or whatever, he sacrificed himself for us, for humanity. That's not fair God; it's not fair.   
Castiel is a good warrior; he is a good Angel, and he's an even better friend. If there is anything you can do, if you even care, or if you're even listening, please help him, please give us a sign. Anything." 

Dean looked around and saw Sam walking back to the car bags in hand. 

"Cas, Cas deserves better," he said, repeating his earlier sentiments, he decided to wrap up; he could try again later. " _Please._ Amen." 

After Sam had taken his seat, he tossed Dean a cold bottle of water which Dean drank gratefully. Sam then opened a bag of potato chips and positioned it between them.

"We've both done a lot of hurling so that we could do with some salt in our system," Sam said answering Deans questioning expression. "You got those bags done yet? I was watching the news there have been a few omens around the state which are worrying, the sooner we get home, the better." 

Dean took a chip and chewed thoughtfully before Sam continued. 

"Power outages, some minor things like that, but there was also this church that fell, it had a corrupt history, no one got injured but-" 

"Sam I can't work a case right now. I just want to go home; then I'll figure out a way to save Cas." Dean said holding the bottle of water in his hands as he spoke, not meeting his brother's eyes. "Unless it's Lucifer or Amara, or fucking God himself, I don't care. I can't care right now. I don't have the energy." 

"Yep," Sam said quickly, "I'll keep an eye on it and we'll get Garth and some people to look into it if need be." he nodded, "How are you about Amara now anyway? You feel anything?" 

"You know that thing Crowley said about my bond with Amara? Only something else just as intense could extinguish it? I think-" Dean sighed, "I think Cas dying or being smited, I think that was it." 

"Oh, so nothing?" 

"Nothing," Dean said looking off into the distance as Sam started the car and began to drive. "I felt this overwhelming numbness when Lucifer killed her, but then, when Cas turned around, and it was _actually_ Cas, I felt something. Then he died, and I was running and I just- I felt numb again, but this isn't the same. This feels numb, but it feels like it physically hurts at the same time. It's not some bond; it's grief." 

"You keep touching your scar," Sam commented nodding towards where Dean's hand had absent-mindedly been stroking his upper shoulder. 

"I feel" Dean paused, "I feel closer to him I guess? I don't know. You know I never even asked him about it? I mean, you don't have a scar, and he always used it in his profound bond argument." 

The rest of the journey was spent predominantly in silence. Dean hummed along to the radio until he realised how much Angels feature in classic rock and he turned it off to stare out the window in silence instead.

They both almost smiled as they saw the entrance to the bunker garage ahead of them. Dean let out a sigh of relief and Sam barked out a laugh. It sure was good to be home. 

With more difficulty than expected, they managed to pull Cas from the back seat and Sam didn't even try to object to Dean taking the full weight again instead he assisted by shutting the car door and opening the door to the hallway so Dean could take Cas to his bedroom.

As Sam opened the door, he was greeted by an unfamiliar sound. The bunker was silent at the best of times when they were there, and they hadn't been here for nearly three weeks, so why could he hear voices talking?

"Hurry up Sam, he's not exactly light you know?" Dean grunted behind Sam waiting for him to move.

"Do you hear that?" Sam asked ignoring his brother's words and withdrawing his gun. They listened in silence, the beating of their hearts thumping in their chest the only sounds. The talking changed to faint the sounds of an opening tune of a pop song, and the boys relaxed. Just the radio. Phew. They must have left it on; they had left in the hurry when they tracked down Castiel.

Sam tucked his gun away and led the way to Castiel's bedroom. Well, Dean called it Castiel's bedroom but he only actually used it to watch Netflix and for napping when his grace was recovering. The boys only noticed the homely touches he added to it after Dean laid him on the bed. 

All the rooms in the bunker, including Cas's, had the same basic furniture, but Cas had pushed the bed against the wall, added another desk (from an empty room) to house his TV (a yard sale pick up from Sam). His laptop (another gift from Sam, so that Cas could do research for them and they could still take Sam's on the case with them was on the other desk with a lamp, a photo of Cas and Charlie had been taped to the wall above it. 

"I never looked at these after she took them." Sam murmured drawing Dean’s attention from the image of Cas and Charlie and to the pile, he just picked up from the nightstand. 

Dean followed his eyes; the first was a photo of the four of them smiling goofily at the camera, Charlie had an arm wrapped around Sam and Dean was beside her pulling Cas close. The next photo was just Cas and Dean; Cas was smiling in the direction of the camera, but he had probably been looking at Charlie. It was the kind of smile that made his eyes crinkle, his eyes shone and made him smile so wide his gums showed. Charlie had captured the moment of Castiel being genuinely amused by something Dean had said. Dean doesn't remember what it was that he had said, but he knows that when Cas is around, and they have any break from the crap that is their life, he does everything he can to make his Angel smile. That's probably why Dean sees himself gazing at Cas with a sappy-ass grin on his face as if he had hung the damn moon.

Dean looked away from the photos before his eyes moistened again, he looked at a pile of books on the ground in the corner. He can vaguely remember Cas asking him if he wanted to go to a flea market so that Cas could search for a bookshelf to house the several books Cas had bought from a car boot sale that he had passed. Dean, being Dean had said no, it only just occurred to Dean that maybe the reason Cas hadn't gone alone was because he had had no money of his own.

"He didn't use this room the last few months, that should have been a clue," Sam mumbled tidying up the photographs and laying them back in their place. "Sorry Cas," Sam said frowning before patting his arm gently. 

Dean had a list of reasons why they, mainly he, should have known it wasn't Cas but he stayed quiet taking deep breaths instead inspecting a tiny beehive that sat atop his chest of drawers. It was made from felted wool and looked like it was supposed to be a necklace, but Cas had just stood the tiny charm on the edge of a book about bees holding it upright. 

"Cas still has a thing about bee's-" Dean started, but both the brothers froze as they heard a beeping from somewhere within the bunker. 

They both pulled out their guns on instinct and Sam walked carefully to the door and opened it silently, Dean was more hesitant to leave Cas. He watched Sam enter the hallway and although he was holding his gun his hand had moved down to hold Castiel's muddy black shoe, how that was meant to protect his friend Dean didn't know. It was also instinct; he didn't like leaving Cas's side any more than he liked seeing Cas leave his. However as more sounds cluttered though the bunker, Dean followed his brother shutting the bedroom door behind him, soon finding him standing in the hall of the kitchen with his gun lowered.

Dean approached from behind sneaking up on whoever or whatever Sam was staring at; he stood behind the wall before turning around and facing the intruder gun aimed and ready. 

"Gabriel?" 

\---

"Gabriel?" Dean asked in shock as he turned the corner coming face to face with the all too familiar Arch-Angel. 

The Archangel's hair was shorter and neater than the last time the Brothers had seen him. He wore a clean cut well-tailored three pieces matte black suit. The apron he wore over his suit matched the oven mitts and were printed with large red and white peppermints over them with the words "Want A Taste?" in comical letters. 

"Heya Deano, Hey Sammy, glad you could join me, the cookies are nearly ready!" Gabriel smiled, "Blue chew!" He added with a grin and with a flick of his hand two barstools appeared at the table opposite him. 

"What are you doing here?" Sam asked in shock staring from a stool to the Angel.

"I've come to fetch my Little Brother," Gabriel said untying his apron after placing the hot tray of fresh cookies on the bench.

"Like hell," Dean spoke in a tone close to a growl and Gabriel turned to him his eyebrows raised in feigned surprise.

"Excuse me?" Gabriel asked looking at Dean.

"You ain't taking Cas anywhere," Dean said taking a step towards the angel but Sams withdrawn arm halted him.

"Gabriel, we-" Sam started saying in an attempt to reason with the Angel, but Gabriel cut him off.

"You are _not_ taking Castiel," Dean said again, this time, pushing Sam's arm aside. 

"I am his brother Dean, surely you trust-" Gabriel was saying before he was cut off by Dean again.

"Well I'm his-" Dean faltered, "We're his family." 

"Family," Gabriel said, repeating the word, "Family?" 

Dean and Sam stared at him, and he waved his hand vanishing the numerous dirty mixing bowls and utensils around him before turning back to them with an angry smile. 

" _Family._ " He said again, his voice seething. "Neither of you noticed, it took Lucifer literally telling your brother how he was going to kill him before he clued in. Then, of course, Cas overpowered Luci enough to stop him from carrying out his plans. Great show fellas." 

"What about you then? Where have you been?" Dean snapped.

"I was out of the picture okay Deano? Even if I was around, let's not pretend my little brother would prefer my company over yours." Gabriel pointed out as the oven sounded again and Gabriel turned excitedly before opening the oven door and removing a tray of cookies. 

Dean only glared at Gabriel silently watching as the Angel took a bite. 

"Want one?" He asked winking at Dean, who continued to glare. 

" _Well,_ " a smooth accented voice cut through the tension with a sharp knife. "This look's interesting." 

The Winchesters both turned as Balthazar walked in wearing a suit identical to Gabriel’s in every aspect but the colour. Balthazar's was in a dark shade of charcoal grey. 

"Balthazar" Sam stated, staring at the man, it had been a long day.

"Oh, you remember me! How sweet." Balthazar smiled cheekily before striding past both the brothers and towards Gabriel. "Oh and Gabe's made biscuits! Delightful." 

"What are you guys doing here?" Sam asked, "How did you find us? We're warded, and we've got hex bags."

"Oh yes, you sure do, but we were here already when you pulled up so they were rendered useless, plus they don't work on Dad." 

"What do you want with Cas?" Dean asked ignoring the current conversation.

"Look, Dean, we just want his vessel, Cas needs to heal, and it'll be easier if he has his true vessel, we _could_ find him another, but that one displays his puppy eyes well." Balthazar shrugged his shoulders explaining the predicament.

"Plus we know Dean likes that one," Gabriel added with a wink to Dean with another mouthful of cookie.

"Why do you need his vessel? I don't understand?" Sam asked looking between the two Angels.

"Once we've done our brotherly duties of mending him up, then he'll be free to do as he likes."

"What?" Dean asked shaking his head.

"Oh, did Gabe not mention that Castiel is alive?" Balthazar asked before turning to Gabriel. "You had one job, Gabe. Reassure the Winchesters that he was okay before they did something stupid. We knew it was bad when he started praying for Dad." Balthazar nodded in Dean's direction.

Sam looked over at Dean in surprise, but Dean avoided his eyes. 

"He was being difficult." Gabriel shrugged starting on another cookie.

"Someone tell me what is happening!" Dean yelled interrupting the bickering. 

"Castiel is alive. He's not in the best way, but Dad worked on him himself, so he's doing better already. We need his vessel for him to be fully formed again. Lucifer is in prison; Dad is also dealing with him too. Amara has been well and truly destroyed this time. We made sure of it." Gabriel explained, the sincerity pouring from his voice and calming Dean.

Dean nodded.

"Dad?" Sam asked, "God?" 

"Yeah, God." Balthazar said no hint of humour in his voice, "He's with Castiel's vessel now as we speak" he added barely finishing his sentence before Dean ran out of the kitchen and back to Castiel's bedroom. 

He kicked open the door gun on hand to find none other than a familiar jumpy author sitting by Cas's bed. 

"Chuck?" Dean asked not lowering his weapon until he got closer to Castiel himself.

"Hello, Dean," Chuck said his eyes glancing down at the gun in Dean’s hands before he lowered it. 

Chuck Shurley. Chuck... Shurley. Chuck wore a pure white ensemble of a suit similar but different to the two Angels. He wore no tie, and his clothes were less formal and almost casual.

"What are you doing to Cas?" Dean asked as Sam turned the corner through the doorway.

"I was waiting for you since my sons are doing such an excellent job at explaining it," He told Dean sounding exasperated as the two angels came into view. Bless Chuck, they actually looked _chastised._ "If I had more time to offer you it would be okay but I don't," Chuck explained moving to the armchair by the desk motioning for Dean to sit on the bed.

"You're God?" Dean asked in shock as it finally started to sink in. "You?" 

"Well, you did pray for me, Dean," Chuck said with a small smile playing on his lips.

Dean found himself looking at Cas's body at his mention of prayer. "I didn't imagine you when I was doing that," 

"Who were you imagining?" Chuck asked the smile on his face growing wider forming a kind smirk.

"I don't know, Morgan Freeman?" 

Chuck barked out a laugh, "Dean, Sam; Castiel is healing, you clearly saw enough to at least gauge that he isn't in a fit state at the moment, not even my power can cure him instantly. Being an angel is about faith. Now, my part here is to heal his vessel and then return to Heaven. Castiel will be free to do as he pleases once more when he has regained his strength and has already expressed his intention of returning to your sides." 

"He was unconscious at the time, though, but we're sure he still feels the same way now he's awake," Gabriel added with a shrug. 

"You're God." Dean and Sam said in unison after several moments of silence on their behalves staring at Chuck in disbelief.

"Have you always been or is this a new thing like when Cas wanted to be God?" Dean asked.

"Yes." Chuck murmured, "I have always been, I had a memory lapse you could say, made a life for myself as Chuck Shurley, the vessel then- well I don't really have the time to explain the whole story, Gadreel can only do so much to Castiel in my absence." 

"What?" 

"Gadreel, I believe you met him. He is with Castiel now, healing and soothing him. His wings are badly burnt, worse than they were even when he pulled you from perdition, and now they won't recover as quickly due to his non-commitment." Chuck said rising to stand from his seat on the armchair.

"Yeah, we remember Gadreel, he killed your prophet," Sam muttered as Dean nodded.

Chuck looked solemn, "I know, but I have forgiven him, Kevin has forgiven him. He made some mistakes but-" 

"How are you so forgiving? I mean I love Castiel but damn, he let Lucifer out of his cage! He let the devil out and set him loose on the world!" Dean said exasperated, "He's done a lot of bad-"

"He did that for you Ass-butt," Gabriel growled so low the lights dimmed slightly in the room, "Lucifer barely caused anything like the damage he is capable of, Castiel does everything he does for you. He has his reasons but 99% of the time, it's because of you Dean Winchester, you don't get to talk about my little brother like that."

Dean was slightly taken aback at the reaction from the arch-angel.

"Castiel is my Son, he is one of the few of my children, the Angels, who stayed loyal to me. Every time he needed guidance he would pray for me, regardless of my lack of response. He was overcome with power and the Leviathans yes, but given time I believe he would have been a fair and loving ruler." 

"I can make you a list of-"

"Dean, why is it behind his back your love for him knows no bounds, but in front of him, even his broken, empty body, you find issues with things that I know you have long since forgiven him for?" Chuck asked, "Dean, Castiel is my son, I am his father, I love all my children, yes, all of them. I always will, that is how a father or any parent should be." Chuck said. "I taught my children to love Humanity; Castiel is one of the few who truly does."

"Humanity thy name is Dean Winchester," Gabriel stated before pulling another biscuit from his pocket. Balthazar chuckled, and the brothers grinned at each other before high-fiving their hands.

"Boys please" Chuck sighed, "Anyway, I must be off!" 

"Uh before you go, those omens, I saw them on the news, was that you guys or something we should be on the lookout for?" Sam asked, "Most of it sounds pretty accurate for God walking the Earth again, but just to make sure..." 

"Yes, that was us." Balthazar nodded, "When we come we come in style." 

Chuck watched his son with a bemused expression before speaking himself. "Dean, Sam, if you would like to come to visit Castiel while he heals I will send Gabriel down to fetch you and bring you to heaven. I will have to ask Castiel if he'll take visitors but even if he denies you entry to his Heaven you can visit Charlie and Kevin and Bobby, anyone you like."

Chuck noticed the fall in the brothers faces at the mention of their names.

"Do not fear, Kevin is happy, he is continuing the Winchester gospel under the spell of a fandom-successful fanfiction, and when he isn't writing he is battling Charlie at computer games. Bobby took them both under his wing after Kevin sought him out to tell him about how the two of you turned out."

"Why won't Cas want to see us?" Dean asked confused, the concern ripe in his tired voice.

"Castiel is healing, it is, a delicate process," Chuck explained choosing his words carefully. "Castiel is questioning his place in the world and while he is such a place of confusion his grace is also confused. It won't settle within him; it won't allow him to heal at the normal angelic rate." Chuck paused before clapping his hands together loudly pulling Dean’s gaze from Gabriel and Balthazar, who he noticed looked solemn at God's words.

"All will be well, in the end, no doubt." He smiled before standing over Castiel's body and raising his hand above the broken body.

A bright white light that had both of the Winchesters shielding their eyes with their hands shone from Chuck’s hand and over Castiel. When the light faded, and their eyes opened, Castiel lay in a charcoal grey suit, identical to Balthazar's. 

"You like dressing your boys up like a boyband hey?" Dean asked with a chuckle trying to defuse some of the tension in the room, but he and Sam were alone, the God Squad had vanished.


	4. The One With The Trip Upstairs.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Sam take a trip upstairs to visit an old friend.

"Cas is alive," Dean said, walking back into the kitchen. He had spent a few moments with Cas's body just letting the fact that he was alive sink in. 

Sam looked over and nodded with a smile to his brother, "Yes." 

"And... Chuck is God." Dean added. 

"Yup." 

"Right."

Sam nodded, "It might take a while for us to get used to this." Sam agreed, "You know these cookies are incredible." 

"He might have laced them, he seems to like you," Dean muttered leaving the room.

"Hey you have your angel, let me have mine!" 

\---

Dean and Sam waited impatiently for Gabriel to return as promised and when he did arrive, Dean found he suddenly became extremely nervous. Looking back, Dean wouldn't be able to tell you much about the actual trip there, whereas Sam would explain in detail the _feeling_ of the journey. Being zapped someplace by an Angel felt very odd, like being dizzy on a speed train, moving incredibly fast but more as if the world were spinning to suit where you wanted to go. However, being zapped into heaven felt like Willy Wonka's glass elevator that swayed slightly with each flap of wings but moved just as fast as the other. 

Sam would tell of the beautiful pristine hallway they walked though as Gabriel led them to the Angels heavens. 

Dean could only tell you about the details in the ornate carvings in the black onyx door with a glowing Enochian plaque on it.

Gabriel had been giving explanations of certain things as he walked them around, enjoying his self-proclaimed role of 'tour guide’.

"The colour of the doors are different here for the angels because with the humans, all their doors are white because Dad considers all Mortals in Heaven pure," Gabriel explained watching Dean's inspection of the door.

"This door is Castiel's?" Sam asked looking around at the hall, the doors here were a vast range of colours whereas Cas' was pure black. 

"Sure is, Cas is in there." Gabriel smiled, "Dad's meeting us here, so we'll just wait." 

"Why is it black? Because of Lucifer?" Sam asked Gabriel quietly looking around the hallway. 

"Oh no, Cassy's wings are black." Gabriel explained with a shrug, "The kid got bullied for it a bit as a fledgling."

"All the angels wings we've seen were black," Dean stated, "Why was he bullied?" 

"Any wing's you've seen on Earth, were only shadows, so they would all look dark but Castiel's are black, they always have been. He used to hope they'd turn white or silver but they didn't, they just seemed to get darker." Gabriel explained, "Cas was bullied a lot, he was smaller than the other angels in his generation, petty stuff like that, you know how siblings can be. Cas worked and worked and showed everyone how wrong they were, he became the leader of his garrison, he lead his team to the Righteous Man in Hell! That was a big deal. But it's also where things turned-"

"To crap for him? Yeah, thanks." Dean grunted and Gabriel stared at him.

"But he would never change anything Dean. Except maybe his transgressions again you or your brother. I've been talking to him, he doesn't regret everything he's learnt or experienced since meeting you." 

There were a few moments of silence before Sam cleared his throat and asked Gabriel a question. "What colour are your wings?" 

"Caramel gold," Gabriel said winking at Sam before flexing his back and letting his wings unfurl. Six golden feathered appendages emerged from his back, they shined in the well-lit hallway, not a single feather out of place. 

"Awesome!" Sam blurted out, "And you've got the six because you're an archangel right?" 

"Yup!" Gabriel grinned, "Glad you like them." 

Dean rolled his eyes and spotted Chuck strolling down the hallway wearing the same suit as before but his hair was a bit less tamed. 

"Can I see Cas now?" He asked as Chuck approached them.

"Dean and Sam, how lovely of you to join us!" Chuck greeted them kindly, smiling at Dean's request. "Dean, Castiel doesn't know you're here yet, Gabriel didn't get a chance to mention it. Castiel has a lot on his mind at the moment, please be patient with him, he is undergoing some change." 

Dean nodded, swallowing down the nervous bubble that had settled in his chest. The fact that Castiel was inside was just occurring to Dean. He was actually going _in there,_ to Cas, where he could stare and touch him to his heart's content. Okay so maybe not exactly but it's been a long time since he actually saw Cas and he's working off his emotionally addled brain for memories and coherent thoughts right now.

Gabriel opened the door for him politely, giving him an odd stare before Dean found his legs moving on their own accord. Gabriel clapped him on the back and shut the door behind him while Dean took in the sight before him in shock. 

It was _beautiful._ His eyes scanned the scenery, it was the most beautiful garden Dean had ever seen. It was neither landscaped nor manicured, rather it was wild and overgrown but it made it only made it all the more beautiful. He turned to see the door hadn't disappeared but rather moulded into the side of a familiar looking brick building. 

It was what looked like the outskirts of a forest, and Dean noticed there was a lightly tread path leading through the trees. The sight that greeted him was the best of all. A huge tree had fallen: around it grew wildflowers, blossoming through the overgrown grass, and on the log, with his back and _beautiful_ wings to Dean sat Castiel. He could feel himself smiling like a fool but he didn't care, why should he? 

After a few moments of just staring at the Angel’s back, Dean cleared his throat announcing his presence. 

A shiver of shock ran through his wings and he turned about in shock, almost losing his balance before Dean rushed forward to steady him. 

"Dean," Castiel started, surprised; he opened and shut his mouth again as if to say something but remained silent until Dean spoke. Dean was so relieved to hear his voice that he almost forgot what he was doing there. 

"Heya Cas," Dean smiled, taking in the sight of his best friend standing before him again.

"What are you doing here?" Castiel asked, his face suddenly full of concern.

Dean was taken aback and he pulled a face. "And here I was maybe hoping for a hug or something." 

"Gabriel said you were okay." Cas whispered, his voice low and scared, "I suppose you could just be a part of my heaven, it would be appropriate." he added looking back to Dean with a content smile. "You would like a hug?" Cas asked tilting his head in confusion and Dean wanted to kiss him. 

"Yeah, I would," Dean said, and when Cas stood up, he felt himself relax the moment he wrapped him up in his arms. "I am okay Buddy, Sam is with Gabriel now, he's good too. You saved us again and you'll never understand how much I appreciate it. You'll never understand just how good it is to see you Cas." He squeezed him tighter and felt Cas finally return the gesture. Dean felt something tickling his ear and looked around to see Cas's wings hovering around them but not entirely encasing Dean as if unsure. "Your wings are _awesome_ , by the way, Cas," Dean added and felt both, Cas relax into his embrace and the wings wrap around him. 

When he pulled away, Cas still looked upset. 

"I'm glad you're alive Dean, you and Sam." he spoke answering the questioning expression on Dean's face. 

Dean continued watching him, waiting but Cas didn't continue. "You know you look pretty good for a guy who just got smited." 

Cas stayed silent as he looked down at himself as if assessing his form.

"Nice suit, you look very handsome," Dean added without thinking but didn't regret it as he watched a pink flush rise up Cas's neck. "Your dad zapped you into this, how the hell is your tie still wonky?" Dean asked exasperatedly nudging Cas's chin upwards so Dean could fix the garment.

Cas didn't reply, he just stared at Dean, watching him.

"Can I touch them?" Dean asked tentatively wanting to fill the silence after Cas still remained silent. "Your wings?" Dean added as Castiel looked at him curiously. 

He looked surprised but he nodded, "Yes." 

"You still honing your communication strategy Cas? What's up? Why are you so quiet." Dean had asked, before he raised his hand making contact with some of the feathers. A shudder ran through the wings but Cas nodded for him to continue. 

"You're still my charge, we're bonded, things just make it more sensitive," Castiel explained, Dean frowned, but nodded. 

"As long as you're cool with it," Dean said and Castiel bowed his head, nodding again. 

"You know, the few hours before Gabriel brought us up here but after we met your dad I've been thinking, you should hang out with us more. You've got your room at the bunker and I know you don't eat but we did make you almost drunk once right? We could go on a bender, that would be fun." Dean was rambling, this wasn't the careful conversation he had mentally planned. 

"You still want me?" Castiel asked his voice faint and he sounded like he was hurting. Whether mentally or physically, Dean didn't know.

"Of course we do, you're a Winchester. We should have told you more often, we just aren't one of those families who talk about stuff, but we can be- hell, we should be. It would save a lot of problems." Dean laughed dryly and changed wings. 

"Would I still be welcome in your home if I were human?" Cas asked, and he flexed his wings slightly as Dean moved.

"Course, but dude if I'm honest, you've never looked more angelic- Cas what's that?" Dean asks spotting a large patch of burnt feathers on the lower part of each wing, close to Cas's back.

Cas drew in his wings close to his back again, covering it from Deans view, so the human walked around the wings to face Cas.

"It's an old injury, nothing to worry about." Castiel murmured looking at Dean with a small but forced smile.

"Not the way to make me not worry Cas," Dean said furrowing his brows staring down at Cas.

"It doesn't hurt anymore and there is no damage to my flight it doesn't really matter does it?" 

"Why don't you wanna tell me? Was it Lucifer?" 

Cas shook his head quickly. "Hellfire," he said plainly and Dean took a seat on the log.

"So you did that, pulling me out?" Dean asked and he groaned, "It's my fault." 

" _No._ " Cas growled, "I would have died for you Dean, even then, before I knew you. I only knew you as the Righteous Man. I didn't know you as I do now, but even then I would have sacrificed myself for you." 

"You almost did by the look of it." Dean muttered, "I don't want you to sacrifice yourself for me, Angel." 

"Naomi told you I was lost the first time I laid a hand on you in Hell, didn't she?" Castiel asked and Dean nodded. "Dean, the truth was, I was lost the moment I saw your soul. I left my garrison, I broke rank - leaders aren't supposed to get their hands dirty, so to speak. Uriel used to say that we'd get the credit either way. However with you, I heard your cries for months - years, Dean; we took so long to find you and I will never forgive myself for that. Your screams echoed around Hell so painfully, even now I remember them." He stopped talking after his voice caught in his throat as he spoke and Dean could feel his body move as he took calming breaths that Dean was positive weren't necessary for the Angel. 

"You wanna talk about the human thing you said or you want me to keep petting you?" Dean asked as he stood up and walked behind Cas to get better access to his wings again.

"There are things I wish to discuss with you, yes, but I am mainly waiting for you to yell at me," Castiel confessed spreading his wings wider in invitation.

"About what? That whole thing with Lucifer?" Dean barked out a raucous laugh but Castiel knew there was no humor in it. 

"You expect me to be mad? Damn Cas, mad doesn't begin to describe it." Dean said and Cas' back and wings drooped slightly, so Dean continued. "Then I lost you again and all that went out the window, I don't care." Dean admitted, "You're alive, wings and all, and with me, I count that as a win." Dean smiled at him as Cas glanced back at him.

More time passed as Cas was almost being lulled to sleep by Dean's gentle movements. It was a shame that Castiel knew this couldn't last. 

"What did you need to talk about Cas?" Dean asked again sitting down by Cas, but turning in towards the Angel so he could still access the feathery wing. 

"You like my wings." Cas murmured as if he was shocked at the fact.

"Of course, I do, your wings are awesome Cas. The burnt bits, although it looks painful and I feel like shit about it, they still make you look rather badass." 

"I don't want to be an Angel anymore." Cas blurted seconds after Dean had finished talking, his words rushed and almost blended together but Dean's answering expression made it clear they were understood.

"Okay," Dean replied after a pause, Chuck had told him to be patient. So he tried to be. "You told your Dad?" 

He bowed his head, "Yes, my Father and my siblings have been surprisingly supportive." 

"Surprisingly?" Dean asked and Cas shrugged. 

"After all that I've done to Heaven and Earth. I guess _I_ shouldn't be surprised should I?" 

"Cas, stop. They don't want to kick you out or anything you fool. I was amazed listening to Gabriel talk about you, he actually sounds like a decent brother, I have some respect for him now. Chuck, well he just put my Dad to shame which isn't hard, but he looks like the best Dad ever, if they support you it's cause they love you not because they want to get rid of you." 

"Did Father tell you why I am not already fit to leave here?" 

"He mentioned something about faith or whatever." Dean shrugged. 

"Because I no longer wish to be an Angel my grace isn't attaching itself to my vessel, I cannot leave here as an Angel until I find my faith." 

"But you don't want to be an Angel anymore?" Dean asked turning to sit, facing Cas and guiding him to do the same. "What would need to happen to become human now then?" 

Cas looked up at him from where he had been watching Deans hands fiddling. 

"I would have to fall." Cas said plainly, "It will be difficult as I'm not... _complete_ but I don't see myself finding my faith anymore, I love my Father but I am far too attached to the idea of being human again."

"So what's gotta happen?" 

Would I-" Cas paused but Dean's hand in this wing again encouraged him, "Would I be welcome in your home, with you and your brother as a human?" 

"Of course," Dean said, shrugging and playing with the smaller feathers close to his shoulder blades. "We've been through this already Cas."

"I didn't succeed very well last time as a human but I wish to try again," he confessed, voice quiet.

"Of course not, you cleaned toilets for a living Cas."

"I did more than that Dean I-" Cas pushed, trying to make Dean understand.

"Oh yeah, burritos too, I forgot." 

Castiel stared at Dean but Dean didn't meet his eyes. 

"How else was I to survive, Dean? I had nothing else." Cas spoke the hurt clear in his voice. 

"You had me!" Dean said, then he looked away, looking down at his feet as he realized. Castiel hadn't had him. Dean had abandoned him when he was needed the most. "Right."

"Dean I was rather proud of myself, my-" Cas said trying again as he regained his composure. 

"Poop duty?" Dean muttered and they both knew Dean was trying to defuse the situation, add humor at someones expense. A prime example of the Winchester way, but Cas still looked hurt. 

"Dean I had nothing. You had Sam, he was dying, he needed you more than I did, I understand that. This isn't about you-" Cas said, anger seeping into his voice as he tried to reason with the other man.

"You had nothing and I sent you off with even less, and alone. I'm sorry about that buddy. It's not like I'm going to do that again! Is that what you think?" 

Cas didn't reply, he only stared at Dean.

"I had reasons, Cas," Dean said desperately. This situation was far too raw for Dean's liking, he was bound to say something he'd regret. 

Maybe that would be okay, though, perhaps it would fix things, make everything easier.

"I know Dean." Cas said, pulling Dean from his deliberation.

"Not a single one was because I wanted to! Cas I never want you to leave us, let alone have to kick you out myself." Dean promised him.

They stared at each other, Dean nearly got lost in the familiar gaze and the blue of Castiel's eyes but instead, he found courage.

"Cas," Dean said taking a deep breath and even going as to far to place a hand on Cas' own where it rested on the log. "Cas, I'm in-" Dean’s words stopped dead in his throat as a rambunctious laugh sounded from somewhere unseen through the trees.

Sam and Gabriel came into view walking the same path as Dean had, and Sam stopped frozen as he took in the sight that presented itself to him. Dean assumed, from the look of panic on Sam's face, that he was beginning to gauge exactly what situation he was interrupting.

Dean pulled his hand away from Cas' after several moments of the newcomers both staring at their joined hands.

"Hey Castiel," Sam said after he shot Dean an exasperated look. Sam was relieved by the silence, because although he had been looking at their hands, he did notice that Cas had been staring at Dean. Castiel, the real Castiel Sam now noticed, stared at his dean with such warmth, such unrelenting love that whether platonic or not, Castiel had been looking at Dean as if he had hung the moon.

Dean meanwhile, now after having removed his hand from the Angels, his expression was one of a deer in the headlights.

"Sam," Castiel smiled fondly turning his attention to the other Winchester he stood up and Dean followed his lead though he turned away from the others gaze and seemed to be very interested in Castiel's wings.

There were several moments of them only smiling fondly at each other, before Sam strolled forwards, closing the space between him and Castiel as he wrapped his arms around the other man in a hug. 

"Oh," Castiel gasped in surprise before returning the gesture. 

"It's good to see you Cas, it's so good to have you back," Sam told him as he hugged the shorter man. Sam squeezed tighter gently, using the gesture to reaffirm his words. 

Sam released him from the hug taking in his appearance with another smile. 

"You look well Sam, I'm glad I had enough strength to heal you both."

"Yeah you and me both dude, thank you so much for that," Sam exclaimed sincerely. 

Sam was like a bouncing puppy at the best of times but Castiel was genuinely glad to see Sam Winchester looking happy after months of pain. Lucifer, despite his claims of boredom over the Winchester, had still targeted him over Dean. That was an act of selfishness in a way as Castiel knew that Lucifer had known that he was simply closer to Dean and had the Devil been trying to hurt his brother, Dean would have been the primary target. That's not to say that Dean got off lightly, but he got the verbal attacks, although knowing Dean, Castiel doubted that he hurt any less than Sam. The words would have been mulled over in Dean’s mind over and over until he drank himself into a stupor to forget them. 

"I was just talking to Dean," Cas said to both Sam and Gabriel, "about my desires." 

Sam looked surprised and almost taken aback.

"He doesn't want to be an angel anymore," Dean explained to Sam, deadpan, wiping the smug expression from his brother's face.

"Oh, right." Sam sounded surprised but nodded, listening to further explanation.

"I was wondering if I am still welcome in your home, and by your sides and if I would still be accepted as a human."

"Yeah, I mean Cas you're always welcome with us, as far as I'm concerned-" Sam started but Dean cut him off. 

"Cas, we've been through this. I've told you were welcome with us. You didn't question it when I said I wanted you before did you?"

"As a human, I wouldn't be useful," Cas said so quietly Dean leant in to hear.

"Don't you dare Cas. _Don't you dare._ If you were just someone whom we use when you came in handy, then I never would have forgiven you for Crowley, the Leviathans, Sam's fucking mind. Or his _soul,_ Naomi, Metatron, hell I probably would have wanted your blood myself but I forgave you for all that because I love you. You are a part of our screwed up little family and I know we are shit at talking and conveying our love but that's the Winchester way Cas. We are not going to take you for granted again okay? Human or Angel."

Castiel stared at Dean.

"Castiel? That stuff Lucifer said, you didn't believe that did you? The stuff he said wasn't true was it?" Sam asked looking at Cas with a concerned expression. 

Cas looked over at Sam with a pleading expression before he turned back to Dean. 

"Dean I-" 

Dean shook his head and Cas fell silent. 

"You're my best friend, Cas, how could you think that we wouldn't rather have you than a seemingly easy fix to smite Lucifer? How could you even believe that we would consider?" Dean asked rounding on Cas, "I'll repeat myself here, you are a Winchester, and like it or not we don't let each other go easily, that works for you too Cas, it has for a long time now." 

"Dean you say that but all I remember is you both telling me that I wasn't strong enough, to save my grace, to save my energy. That I was no help to you." Castiel spoke, anger seeping into his voice, "I had panic attacks at the idea of leaving the bunker, flashes of you beating me, me beating you, me hurting innocent people so I stayed in the once place I felt at ease, the home of the two people I feel safest with." 

"Why not tell us?" Dean asked in a whisper.

" _I tried!_ " Cas shouted, almost sobbing, "You were busy with Sam and you didn't listen! Instead, you yelled at me over Metatron. Just like the time with Crowley, I went to you Dean, I watched you rake leaves. I couldn't bring myself to ruin your normal happy life, but _I tried_ , Dean!" 

"You didn't think that maybe I wanted to see you? That maybe it was something I needed on par with having Sam back? That losing both of you broke me so much more?" 

"I didn't want to hassle you. You seemed happy."

"You used to be able to read my mind Cas, if you read it, then happiness would not have been there. Read it now." He said as a challenge, glaring at the Angel.

"Dean," Cas spoke, almost begging.

"Just don't." Dean gritted out, "You're just an Angel, don't pretend to understand how this works Cas. I've said it before, Angels just aren't equipped to care, and they shouldn't bother trying." Dean spat angrily at Cas before storming away. 

Cas watched him go, no emotion on his face.

"I'm ready Gabriel." he said after several moments of silence, he spoke before Sam could. 

Sam looked over from where Dean walked away, seemingly back out of the Heaven and over to Gabriel in confusion. 

Gabriel looked reluctant but he eventually nodded staring at Castiel. "Just wait a few moments Cassie, I'll get Dad okay?" Gabriel said before turning to Sam, "Stay with him." he instructed and Sam nodded before Gabriel vanished. 

"Dean doesn't mean that, he's just emotional right now. We watched you die _again_ Cas, it wasn't easy for either of us." Sam tried to explain.

Cas was sitting down now, taking deep breaths; his vessel looked calm but his wings were shuddering like leaves in the wind. 

"Cas are you okay?" Sam asked sitting down by his side, "Look at me." Sam said and Cas obliged. Cas looked broken: it was an expression Sam had gotten far too familiar with seeing on the faces of the two people he loved the most over the past few days.

"I am sorry Sam, I don't know if I will survive this fall after all." He whispered, "I was meant to wait, try to heal more but I just _need_ -" Cas shook his head and fell quiet.

"You need this, I understand, I've been there." Sam said, "So what is the process?" 

"Gabriel had planned on taking me to the bunker, it is warded, and Gabriel could ward it further but now," Cas paused, "Dean doesn't understand." 

"Next time he sees you he'll say sorry, or he'll act like nothing happened. You're more than welcome with us Cas. Dean will be fretting anyway if you go elsewhere." 

"I might miss, I don't know how good at aiming I'll be," Cas said with a shrugged as they both looked up seeing Gabriel came back. He was singing:

" _If you fall into the ocean,_  
_if you fall into the sea,_  
_I swear I'll catch you, don't worry,_  
_If you fall off a cliff or if you fall in a ditch,_  
_I'll catch you, I promise!_  
_If you fall out of a truck or out of a car,_  
_I'll catch you, so you won't get a scar."_

Gabriel paused, "Well, I can't help much with the scar if you insist on falling right this moment, but I will do my best, brother." 

Cas bowed his head and Sam looked from one Angel to the other. Sam noticed Gabriel's gaze had fallen to Castiel's wings. They had stopped shaking but feathers were falling, and as they landed on the grass below droplets of grace seemed to bleed from the places where they once grew. 

"All the jokes Heaven has made over the years about Dean Winchester being the reason you fell, who'da thunk it would happen like this?" Gabriel quipped to Castiel, who only stared at him.

"Dean doesn't do feelings Cas, he wouldn't leave you. He carried your body to the Impala, I swear it almost killed him, but he wouldn't even let me help. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have even left your body if it weren’t for Gabriel making a ruckus in the kitchen and making us on guard for an intruder. If you can get to the bunker then do your best, if not, we'll come to you okay?" 

"You don't have to do that, Sam." 

"You won't have much of a choice, Cas. Dean's not going to let you go - not again." 

"Have you forgiven me? I know Lucifer wasn't kind to you." Cas asked, "Dean got it too but you, it must have been difficult, my betrayal."

"I know why you did it Cas, the same reason you and I do half the crap we do. To save Dean." Sam said, "It was hard seeing him with your face or vessel, and I know it took us far too long-" 

"You were busy." Cas interrupted quietly, his face emotionless again.

"That's no excuse," Sam argued. "And I'm sorry, Dean is too, we should have known. But as much as Dean denies it, it was a very Winchester-esque move. Self-sacrifice is the Winchester way." Sam paused, "Thank you, by the way, you shouldn't have but thank you.”

Cas nodded and Sam was relieved to see he looked calmer, less emotionless.

"Sam, your brother should be with Balthazar now, go to him, he'll take you home. We'll be in touch," Gabriel told Sam, who nodded. He walked towards Castiel again, another quick hug and a muffled 'good luck' was all that was needed. 

The three of them knew that Sam truly understood little of the magnitude of the event that was taking place but Sam walked away looking over his shoulder with a small smile and a nod to Cas and Gabriel before he turned from their sight.

Gabriel admired his little brother's sudden urge of spunk. He had sat by his bedside while Castiel healed from the battle with their elder brother Lucifer. He sat, spying on Castiel's dreams, slipping into his mind, wanting to understand why Castiel had said yes. 

What he found were love, ache and loss. The visions that had ripped through his mind, Castiel's panic and terror at the prospect of leaving the bunker, the many images of Castiel hurting Dean or vice versa, some supplied by Naomi, others courtesy of the mark of Cain or some such other ailment. 

He took care to travel back to Castiel's time as a human, noting that Cas had wanted to stay with the Winchesters but not questioned when he had been told to leave. Castiel automatically assumed he would be deemed a liability to the boys. Then with the blur of Dean and Sam’s offhand comments even when Lucifer was in the vessel about how Castiel was not robust enough to do what they needed him for, the boys sighing and saying that they'd have to find another way. After everything he's been through, Gabriel had finally begun to understand.

As for the Winchesters, Gabriel admired that Sam's first priority when Castiel had regained control of the vessel was to instruct him to expel the other angel, despite knowing they needed Lucifer to fight Amara. Gabriel respected Sam for that. Castiel was Sam's priority, he didn't even consider for a second that this was a viable solution to their problems.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last line about Sam's priority being Cas was canon compliant before 11x18. But Gabriel wouldn't know what Sam said from seeing Cas's memories anyway. Plus if he ever does find out Sam said those things then he wouldn't be too amused. If/when Gabriel finds out how much Dean fought for his little Brother then, well let's just say Gabe would approve of this little match, he might even try to help them along... ;)
> 
> Also please kudos, review, fave, follow whatever, I can update more regularly but at this point I don't know if people are still into it? I get urges to write fluff almost constantly so it distracts me from this, but if I know people are into it, I can definitely buckle down. 
> 
> http://bit.ly/20uFZz I do have a pacemaker for this fic and the goal is 50k by the end of the month. But with the way I write that won't mean it's the end of the fic. I have a few plans up my sleeve. :) I'm on 19962 words as I type this.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was really the wrong chapter to promise fluff... Haha.

Sam walked towards the closed door leading away from Castiel and Balthazar, and back to Dean in the hallway. He halted in step and looked around. The big dirty brick building that held the door leading back to Heaven's hall was _very familiar._

When he opened the door and stepped out, he was greeted by a Balthazar and his very annoyed looking brother. 

Balthazar turned to him as soon as he had shut the door behind him. A smile fading from his lips. "I assume I'm taking you home because plans have kick-started early?" He asked in his polished accent.

Sam nodded, "Gabriel is with him now, probably singing again." he mused. 

"What's going on?" Dean asked looking from Sam to Balthazar then to the trio of figures they just noticed approaching. It was Chuck followed by Gadreel and Hannah. Chuck acknowledged them with a nod as he passed, Balthazar opened the door for the three of them. Dean moved to follow them through the doorway, but Balthazar yanked him away. 

" _What's going on?_ " Balthazar repeated rounding on Dean but speaking in a hushed firm voice, "You were told to be _patient_ with him. Instead, you went in there and broke his heart." 

"I did not," Dean replied pulling a face.

"Look, I don't have time to explain, this is an all hands on deck situation, and you've done enough," Balthazar said finishing with a palm to both brothers foreheads sending them back to the Bunker. 

"SON OF A BITCH" Dean yelled as they appeared back in the kitchen. He took off to Cas's room and swore at the sight. 

"They took his body, why would they take it? Why couldn't he come here and get it?" Dean asked his stomach in a knot. "Maybe they lied? Maybe he's not free to go?"

"Why would they lie Dean?" Sam asked him having followed in a slow jog.

"What's going on up there, what were you talking about?" Dean asked turning to Sam, who sighed.

"Cas is falling." 

"I know that Sam, but what were they all doing in there?" Dean pushed, he spoke quickly, the stress he was feeling clear in his voice.

"Cas is falling _now._ When you left he told Gabriel he was ready; Gabriel went to Chuck, and they sent me out. His wings were shaking Dean, feathers dropping like flies, he was bleeding grace." Sam explained uneasily. Now it was his turn to be patient but now with Dean. The situation was fraught already, and Dean’s worry was inevitable, but the wrong words could make it worse. 

Dean stared at him in shock, his mouth agape. "Why did you leave him? You should have told me when we were up there! Dammit Sam." Dean groaned sitting on the edge of the bed Cas's body had been lying in hours before. 

"Maybe I shouldn't have yelled at him," Dean muttered playing with the photos. 

"You think?" Sam mused vexed, and he sighed regretting his words quickly. 

"Don't do that Sam; he said things too." 

"You said things with the pure intention of _hurting him_ , Dean. For the first time in so long, Cas was honest with us about his feelings, and that's what you give him in return. I told him you didn't mean it, though." Sam offered, quieting his voice trying to provide his brother with any sort of relief. 

"So what's gonna happen now?" Dean asked after a few moments of silence. 

"Cas told me he didn't know if he'd survive the fall, but Gabriel will do everything he can to save him I'm certain of it. Chuck'll probably come down if he was needed too." Sam explained, "Cas also said he had planned to come here," Sam motioned to the bunker, "and that Gabriel could ward it further for protection but that he could 'miss' so he might land anywhere." 

"Is someone gonna let us know?" Dean asked his voice quiet and dejected. 

"Gabriel said he would yes." Sam nodded, "I'm going to burn the hex bags just in case and then make some food, come down to the kitchen when you’re ready." 

"M' not hungry," Dean mumbled in reply. 

"Fine, I'll prep then leave it in the fridge. You should, Dean, if Cas knew you weren't eating, he would worry, and he has enough to worry about don't you think?" Sam asked leaving the room on the way to fulfilling his words. 

Dean debated staying in Cas’s room for the night; he rifled through the pile of photographs selecting the few of just him and Cas. There were three shots of just the two of them Dean found. In the first, he was smirking at the camera, an arm wrapped comfortably around Cas's neck as he laughed. The second was the two of them staring at each other from either side of the table, Dean didn't remember why they were staring. Not that he often needed an excuse to look at his Angel. The third photograph was the photo of Cas smiling wide, looking directly at the camera. It was as if he was looking right at Dean. Then there was himself in the picture, he was beaming at Cas. He didn't remember why the photo was taken or why they both looked so gleefully happy in that moment of each others company, but it was his favorite.

“I’ll give them back, I just need to have some part of you right now Cas,” Dean mumbled tucking them into a pocket of his jeans. 

For the second time in as many days, Dean knotted his hands together. 

" _Dear Castiel, hey buddy, I hope you're still angel enough to hear this. I am sorry for what I said Cas; I didn't mean it. You are my best friend, and I do love you, but not the other stuff that I said._." 

He swallowed down a lump in his throat.

 _"Sam told me you said you might not survive the fall? Cas I know you're a bit raw at the moment, but man I promise you I'll do everything I can to make you happy for the rest of our crappy human lives."_

Dean sighed, he hadn't meant for that to sound remotely romantic and wasn't sure how Cas would read it if he were listening. He decided he didn't care. An angry or confused Cas was better than none at all. Dean sometimes allowed himself to think about how his life would be if his feelings were not only known but requited. Sometimes it worried him, he didn't know if he'd be able to give Cas what he needed, wasn't sure he'd ever be capable of being honest, or faithful to the man or whether he'd jump into bed with the first girl who looked his way. 

Dean loves Castiel, but the man knew himself and his own shitty patterns too well to completely trust himself with Cas's heart.

Then there were the moments where he afforded himself the idea of them both being together, and being _happy._ He hadn't been in many relationships in his life, and the two closest things other than Louis, to a boyfriend he ever had, weren't great. The first was a Russian guy from Chicago named Dmitri, the other, his occasional reoccurring fling with Donnie, the bartender. 

Dmitri had been older than him, wilder than him, (which was saying something) and more accepting of his secrets than anyone he had ever met. Dean had all but given up hunting at that time, he took the occasional hunt, but his Dad was barely acknowledging his phone calls, let alone his existence, who could blame him for considering giving up the game? He had considered cutting himself off from Dad altogether, phoning Sammy up, telling him he had come to his senses too. It was only a two-day drive from Chicago to California, not too bad. Not if it meant he could see Sam again. However, his brief shot of happy domesticity with his crazy ass but lovable boyfriend,-(seriously the guy once got arrested for reading a book on the roof of a library because the cops thought he was robbing a bank,)-fizzled the moment he had let his father- No. It didn't matter what John did. Not really. Dean had caved and went back to the only miserable life he had ever known. 

Donnie, well Donnie not only kept Dean's favorite bar, made mean nachos, but the guy was hot. Plus he laughed at Deans jokes a little too hard. What's not to like? Donnie was Dean's reward to himself, anything from a particularly good hunt to Dean actually sitting through Sam's marathon researching sprees without ditching him to binge Game of Thrones had him going to the bar, to see the man. 

Men, in general, were a reward Dean granted himself sometimes. 

He remembered Cas, and what he was supposed to be doing before he allowed himself to remember too fondly his last trip to the bar and resented himself for detouring. He pushed tightly closed the part of his mind that exchanged Donnie's face for Cas's in the memory. That, well _that _was only for times of extreme need.__

___"There's a bee farm about a 4-hour drive from here you know? I'll take you there, we'll collect honey or whatever you do at a bee farm. We'll go to stupid flea markets, and we'll get you anything and everything you want to make this place your home too. Cas just please try to make it through, even if you don't want to survive, do it for me."_ Dean begged, back on track now.  
_"I lost you, then got you back, and then I was too stubborn for my own good Cas. I screwed up, and I'm sorry. We'll talk this all through next time okay? Um, well Sam told me you'd want me to eat so I'm going to make some food. Remember let us know wherever you end up, and we'll come straight to you." he promised, "I need you okay? Love you Cas."_ he finished praying in barely a whisper. _ _

__Sam stood back, out of Dean's sight listening, a small bittersweet smile on his lips and a sandwich on a plate in his hands. He took it back to the kitchen and put it in the fridge not wanting to interrupt._ _

__Dean lounged back on the bed still sitting up; he looked around the room. It was so _Cas_ , but now that calmed him, rather than hurt his soul. He focused on that feeling of clarity as he drifted to sleep. _ _

__It was two o’clock in the morning when he had woken in a jolt. His sleep had been deep, dreamless and peaceful for a few hour before he had woken. He had jumped out of bed thinking he heard the ‘swoosh’ of Angel wings, it turned out to be Sam shutting the door of the bathroom. His brother opted for moving the notoriously creaky door in a swift motion in the effort of quelling any sound to let Dean sleep._ _

__Dean settled again, but after his first thoughts had been of concern for Sam or Cas, his mind was racing. After he reminded himself that there had been no response from Cas, Dean just couldn’t find relief in his sleep. When he did settle, his mind would show him Cas dead and broken again, but not from Lucifer, this time, now he had two black wings burnt into the ground beneath him and the softest feathers Dean had ever felt now fell from the sky scorched and bloody._ _

____"Cas?"_ He whispered through the darkness speaking quickly trying not to let his panic overtake his mind. _"I'm worried about you now Bud; I have some things I need to say just in case you know? You remember around the time of the Levis? After you had taken on Sam's crap and you were walking around being a hippie and you tried to give everyone a bag of honey each? You remember the night before we took on Dick Roman? When you agreed to help? Well, that was the night I accepted the fact that I was still in love with you."_ Dean admitted wiping away tears he hadn't notice fall. _The first time I thought it was after you saved me from our own future. Did you know I lost you then too?_  
Dean asked hopelessly, then sighed shaking his head, he couldn't really blame Cas for any of that stuff.  
_"I know there is a chance you do not hear any of this, but if you do, just know it’s real okay? When you become human and everything calms down, I'll tell you again, I promise. If you want to bring up the subject yourself, then please do, it's up to you. I don't even know if you like guys so it may be a trainwreck, who knows."_ he sighed, " _I just hope you're alive Cas, I love you._ " He said his last words faltering as they left his mouth. He composed himself, before reiterating," _I love you._." _

__He fell back to sleep after that._ _

__\-----------------------O:-)-----------------------_ _

__He walked around the bunker with groggy steps allowing his still tired body to remain relaxed and off guard for the first time in a long time. He began the search for books once he reached the library, muttering prayers of questions, status reports and requests for updates from every half-decent Angel he could remember. He didn't even stop with the living ones and continued to the ones he knew to be dead. He had already spoken to two Angels he thought were dead, so he wasn't going to take chances._ _

__He was surprised at who answered, although he shouldn't have been since they had seen him on the way to assist Castiel themselves._ _

__“Dean Winchester.” Gadreel stated, his accent flowing through his rough voice, “How may I aid you?” He asked looking almost weary at the expression on Dean’s face._ _

__Dean was more surprised that someone answered at the sight of the Angel. “Hey.” Dean said staring at the man, “Thank’s for answering Gadreel.” He finished eventually._ _

__“I apologize, Mr. Winchester; I am sure I wasn’t your first choice in prayer.” Gadreel bowed his head at Dean, “However Father and Balthazar are busy, and I promised my brother always to come when you or Sam call.”_ _

__“You promised that to Cas?” Dean asked leaning against the table._ _

__“I did. My Brother is very forgiving. He had forgiven me before Father redeemed me, and he thanked me for my sacrifice in freeing him from prison. I still felt in debt to him, so I pledged myself to his service, and he insisted upon me helping the Winchesters instead."_ _

__"Cas is a Winchester, so you can still help him if he needs it, you have an excuse," Dean muttered, and Gadreel nodded._ _

__"Although Heaven remains divided even with our Fathers return, we who still respect Castiel as an Angel and as our Brother are each in debt to you both for not abandoning him. Together you, your brother, your friends, and Castiel have saved the world many times.'"_ _

__“Thank-you.” Dean said, “Chuck, uh, your Dad told me you were with Cas when he, Gabriel and Balthazar came to us, so thank you for staying with him too.”_ _

__“It was my honor. I respect Castiel a great deal, as do I the two of you. I hope in given time you will be able to forgive me for my transgressions against you both.”_ _

__“I can’t even be angry about that anymore Gadreel; I just need to know how Cas is.”_ _

__“Castiel has fallen.” Gadreel confirmed, “We have had no word from either him nor Gabriel since.”_ _

__“Gabriel’s with him?” Dean pressed Gadreel for clarification, "What's been happening up there since we left? Sam said he was falling then and there."_ _

__“Yes, Gabriel is with him,” Gadreel replied, "There were some complications with the fall," Gadreel admitted but continued speaking at the sight of Dean’s disquieted expression. "His grace was holding in a little tighter than expected given it was his decision, and his grace wasn't fully formed or fully healed inside him. Alas, he is now on Earth somewhere with Gabriel, who is caring for him. If he doesn't make contact soon, Father will track him, but Gabriel offered himself for this job, Father wishes to let him prove himself."_ _

__“Well, can you let us know as soon as you know anything, please? We want to go to him, wherever he landed or fell, whatever._ _

__Gabriel bowed his head, "Gabriel told me to mention that he stocked the fridge." Gadreel said before leaving with a small smile on his lips at the surprised look on Dean's face._ _

__

__\-----------------------O:-)-----------------------_ _

__Sam presented Dean with a plate of food in exchange for the leather bound book he was reading._ _

__"Did you get any sleep last night?" Sam asked watching him blink several times taking in the sight of the breakfast food in front of him. Scrambled eggs, bacon, sausages._ _

__"Yes," he grunted, "I did actually, then I couldn't go back to sleep, so I got up and started praying." Dean shrugged cutting up a sausage. "Apparently there were 'complications' with Cas's fall."_ _

__"What happened?"_ _

__"His Grace didn't want to let go." Dean said still mulling the topic himself, "That's what Gadreel said."_ _

__"Gadreel?" Sam asked lowering the forkful of food he had, "You prayed to Gadreel?"_ _

__"Yeah," Dean shrugged, "He turned out okay, in the end, Sam, he saved Cas, he-"_ _

__"Killed Kevin."_ _

__" _I know that Sam_." Dean spat at his brother angrily, "but you heard Chuck! He was with Cas while they were all down here, Gadreel went in while we were leaving. Apparently he pledged himself to us as a thank-you to the guy." _ _

__"Did you pray for the woman too? The one he started hanging around not long after he screwed the reaper? Hannah?"_ _

__"Sam, I know Gadreel isn't our favorite person but he's Castiel's friend and his brother. This whole thing is a big deal to me okay? I would like to know if Cas survives or not."_ _

__"You're right I'm sorry. If he was the only one who answered, then I'm not going to begrudge you that."_ _

__“You remember the witch and Charlie?” Dean asked, and Sam nodded confused at the apparent change of topic, “You know how that bitch, stabbed and killed Cas?” Dean asked bitterly, “I never told you, but Charlie died.” Dean explained sadly, “Gadreel saved them both.”_ _

__“Oh.” Sam stared at him in shock, “You didn’t mention any of that, why?”_ _

__“I didn’t want to try to make it out like what I did wasn’t wrong or whatever.” Dean had shrugged before he changed the subject._ _

__"When you're finished eating pack a new duffel in case we have to leave in a hurry," Dean told him stabbing at his eggs before turning back to the book. He looked back up his brother curiously, "What's up with all the food anyway?"_ _

__"“I spent all last night worrying about Cas, so I decided that now on, rather than worry, we should plan the stuff we’ll do once he’s human!” Sam spoke, a grin larger than one he usually wore plastered to his face._ _

__“If he makes it.”_ _

__“Cause I was thinking,” Sam said ignoring Dean’s words, “we’ll need to start eating properly, for his sake, he’s not used to our diets. Well, it’s been awhile since I cooked proper food, I had to practice!”_ _

__Dean looked around at the plates of food. “What else?”_ _

__"I have thought maybe we could all do with a few months off," Sam announced watching as Dean looked slightly uninterested in what he was saying. "We can get Cas settled into his new life as a human; we can take him shopping, work on his people skills, that kind of thing." Sam paused chewing thoughtfully, he met Deans gaze. "You guys can work on your relationship."_ _

__Dean choked on a bite of egg. "Our _what?_ " He spluttered out in shock._ _

__"Dean, you are planning on telling him right?" Sam asked looked at Dean as if he was crazy._ _

__Dean shrugged, "It's been a long time already Sam, I've lost quite a few chances already. I think we should deal with one thing at a time before I go admitting things to him and risking our friendship."_ _

__Sam shrugged, "I'm not gonna interfere, you need to tell him in your own time, but I _do_ think you should tell him."_ _

__"Yeah." Dean nodded, and Sam stood up, clapped his shoulder and left the room, "Pack Sammy!" he yelled after him._ _

__Dean finished the chapter on Angel lore and was about to start on an even bigger, dirtier leather bound book when there was a knock on the door. He strolled, leaving the library and beginning up the stairs gun in hands. He opened the door and stepped out his gun aimed and ready._ _

__"God dammit Gadreel, what are you doing?" Dean barked stashing his gun away again and waving Sam down as he began up the steps blade in hand._ _

__"I apologize, I was instructed to expose you both too as little grace as possible, I walked from a mile down the road." He said looking over his shoulder. "I have news on Castiel."_ _

__"What news?" Dean asked eagerly, leading the Angel inside._ _

__"I'm not staying, I just have to give you this address, this is where Castiel and Gabriel are currently. I cannot transport you there as it would expose you to Angelic Grace so you'll have to drive. Castiel is alive, he is in a bad way, but that was expected given the process of falling."_ _

__"Why can't we be exposed to grace?" Sam asked looking at the man skeptically._ _

__"Castiel's wound is affected by it. Gabriel is healing him often 5 times an hour at the moment, his wound is sucking in more grace than it is using to heal the wounds. It is a problem, but at the moment minimizing it the priority."_ _

__"Wound?" Dean asked worried of the answer._ _

__"You'll understand when you see him. Castiel is unconscious, but Father has faith he will survive."_ _

__"Wait, 'has faith he will survive?' Is it _that_ serious?" Sam asked looking from Gadreel to Dean, who was walking away from the two of them. "Dean, where are you going?' _ _

__Dean looked down at the note in his hand as he walked down the stairs, "Lincoln, Nebraska" he replied. "Be in the car in 5 minutes or I'm leaving without you."_ _

__Sam turned to Gadreel, who looked solemn. "Thanks for the help." he managed to get out, and Gadreel ducked his head in a small bow as he departed back to wherever he arrived._ _

__Sam closed and locked the door, on the way to his own bedroom. He re-packed his duffel (something he had failed to do before despite Dean's instructions) and by the time he made it to the Impala Dean was honking the horn impatiently._ _

__"I'm here, sorry."_ _

__"I told you to pack a bag for a reason you know Sam?" Dean muttered to his brother angrily as they left the garage of the Bunker._ _

__"This phone number on the other side must be Gabe's," Sam stated after several minutes of silent heavy-footed driving._ _

__"Wait, did you just call him, _Gabe?_."_ _

__"What?" Sam asked looking at his brother in confusion._ _

__"Dude his name is Gabriel, don't call him Gabe, it's just weird." Dean shook his head, "You got directions to the hotel Cas is at?"_ _

__"His name's _Castiel_ Dean, don't call him Cas it's just weird." Sam snarked back with a small smirk at his brother. "I've got the directions on my phone, once we get to Lincoln I'll put them in." _ _

__Dean nodded, and Sam considered the situation and if this moment was one to raise a particular issue._ _

__“Dean,” Sam voiced slowly, “I’ve been thinking, and researching actually, I think Cas is depressed.”_ _

__“We’re all sad Sammy.” Dean shrugged it off, and Sam understood the tone Dean spoke in and the way Dean was glaring out the window at the road as a hint to drop the subject and try again at a later date._ _

__

__\-----------------------O:-)-----------------------_ _

__

__They tried to phone Gabriel’s number several times during the drive and between Dean's anger and Sam's attempt to keep his driving somewhere comparative to the state's speed limits, they were surprised to find Gabriel in a worse state than themselves when he opened the door._ _

__The Arch Angel wore casual clothes, much like what they were more acquainted with him wearing, and he certainly looked relieved to see them, despite his erratic state._ _

__"Winchester," he said the moment they opened the door, "You, come here" he waggled his finger over his shoulder as he turned his back to them walking through a doorway._ _

__"Which one?" Sam asked as he and Dean both followed him shutting the door behind them._ _

__"The short one." was all Gabriel called out already entering the opposite doorway._ _

__Dean frowned and rolled his eyes, but he and Sam followed the Angel. They entered the bedroom and found Castiel lying on a bloody red bed unconscious._ _

__"What the hell did you do to him?" Dean cried storming towards Castiel's bedside, "Why is there so much blood?" Dean touched it gingerly, "Why is it fresh?"_ _

__"There's a wound on his back from the fall," Gabriel explained looking tired. "Look I was just about to heal him again, I've been doing it three or four times an hour trying to control the blood loss, but his heart rate was going crazy. I even dream walked to try to make him calm down, and he's only fighting it more now, every time I try to heal him."_ _

__"Fighting what?"_ _

__"Okay, the full story." Gabriel started, speaking quickly, "Upstairs, when he fell because he wasn't healed properly in any sense of the word the process of falling was more of a tug of war. Castiel practically tore his own wings out." Gabriel touched the bed cleaning it motioning for Dean to take a seat by Castiel and he and Sam went to an armchair each._ _

__"It wasn't just losing his grace, it was more like tearing it from his vessel with force. He pulled in one direction while his Grace pulled the other. His current state is the result."_ _

__"He's been out cold since he fell, we are trying to minimize the grace Cas is exposed to at the moment, I took the risk of zapping him here," he motioned around the hotel suite, "so we'd have privacy and shelter. Cas's wound will eventually heal until then I'll be here to treat him whenever I am needed. Healing by grace will actually take longer than say, getting surgery and being stitched up, but it's too hard to explain this wound to a hospital." Gabriel shrugged standing up and taking a seat the other side of Castiel on the bed._ _

__"Right," Dean nodded, before turning to face him again. "No, wait why would it take longer?"_ _

__"It's a grace inflicted wound, and it's sucking in parts of the grace used to heal it and using it to repair the Angel-y bits that he doesn't want anymore. Cas will always be a little bit angel, even if he can't do anything. The wound will keep opening for a while, but as time passes it will be healed completely." Gabriel replied patiently, “He’s fighting that part. He must know the different feelings between Angels and Humans now, and he’s got it crystal clear in his mind what he wants, and is fighting the Grace because he knows it will keep some part of him Angelic, that’s not what he wants.”_ _

__"What do you want us to do?" Sam asked watching as Gabriel stared down at Cas._ _

__"I want Deano here to stay with him, you too actually. Take turns in between doing all your weird human crap. I think it will help him. Maybe it will help calm him down so he keeps sleeping or soothe him enough so he doesn't panic when he wakes up." the Angel explained, "You guys are friends if your presence was sufficient to spur him into falling then hopefully you can help him heal from it."_ _

__"You're blaming me?" Dean asked angrily rounding up to Gabriel, who only stared at him._ _

__"Well yeah kinda." Gabriel looked over at Sam as if to say _'what?'_ "Dean you literally chose the worse possible thing to say to a guy who obviously has no sense of self-worth and who has proven time and time again he isn't afraid to sacrifice himself for you. I know you are incredibly forgiving to him, and I know you've been through so much together. I know you were angry, but you are the reason he decided at that particular moment to fall." _ _

__"So any of the shit that happens is my fault." Dean groans standing up from the bed in a huff._ _

__"No, it was his choice to fall. This is his decision, don't take away from that." Gabriel said sitting beside his brother where Dean had been just before. "Dean I just want you so sooth him while I heal him, I'm worried about my little brother, surely you can relate?" Gabriel looked at him, his eyes pleading and sincere._ _

__"You underestimate how much you mean to him, Dean. You have to understand that no matter how hard it is for you to grasp in that mud monkey head of yours. As much as you think your and your brother's love is crystal clear? It's not. As much as it angers you that Cassie had no care for his own safety when he said Yes to Luci, that he had no thought of _your_ feelings when he did that, that's the simple truth. That _is_ what happened. Simple as that. No amount of you being heartbroken will change it." _ _

__" _Did you tell him_?" Dean asked angrily turning on Sam._ _

__"No! Of course not!" Sam declared a look of surprise on his face at Deans angry questions._ _

__"Bullshit!" Dean yelled, "I tell you a secret, I trust you with something, and you tell someone, not just someone but him! You tell the _trickster_ I have feelings for-"_ _

__"DEAN!" Sam shouted, "I didn't say anything!"_ _

__They both turned back to Gabriel, who was staring at Dean with wide eyes._ _

__"Wait, you have feelings for who exactly?"_ _

__"Don't worry about it," Dean sighed and began pacing again._ _

__"It's not me is it? Because no offense but your brother is more my type." Gabriel said earning a look from both brothers, he merely winked at Sam._ _

__Gabriel stared at Dean for a few moments before clapping his hands together. "Well! That almost explains your behavior! I have a few rules about dating my little Bro-" Gabriel had announced before their attention was dejected by a pained moan from the still unconscious Castiel._ _

__They all three turned to him, he just stirred by the activity. Dean sat on the bed again and took in the sight of Castiel._ _

__"Okay, just stay for him for a moment, just while I do this." Gabriel took a deep breath. "Don't hate me for this Dean, I have to do it, it's _all I can do_." He explained and Dean was suddenly afraid of what was to come._ _

__"It's a painful process, angelic wounds hurt even for fallen angels," Gabriel explained to the brothers. "I have a silencing spell around this particular room just to divert unwanted attention."_ _

__"Does he make a lot of noise?" Sam asked his voice a mixture of humor and confusion. They were often unsure how to read into the Tricksters words._ _

__“Just wait till he wakes up,” Gabriel replied darkly, and a shiver ran through the brothers spines as they each turned back to Cas to prepare for the coming event._ _

__"If you wanted to hold his hand or anything while I do this..." Gabriel offered Dean quietly rolling up the sleeves of his jacket._ _

__Dean glared at him, "I'm fine thanks." Dean gritted out through his teeth angrily._ _

__"That wasn't a joke genius. I don't know how else to try to prepare you for what I'm about to have to do to him."_ _

__Neither brother replied so Gabriel began._ _

__"We'll need to roll him onto his stomach," Gabriel informed them, "It'll be easier to heal everything that way." Gabriel mulled it over in his head, "If we take off his shirt, and put a new one on it won't make me feel so disgusting every time I cleanse him." Gabriel said with a cringe._ _

__He unbuttoned Castiel's shirt leaving it on him for now before Sam interjected._ _

__"You're an archangel and can't you just zap him out of his clothes?" Sam asked incredulously._ _

__The Angel sighed, “I _just_ told you about the efforts to minimalize his grace exposure. Pay attention for your own sakes." Gabriel said not looking either of them in the eyes, "Help me turn him over, I just want to cause as little pain as I can, my presence is harmful enough, Dean being here might not help either but I think he’ll be different." _ _

__"What?" Dean asked in shock, "You just said you wanted me to be here!"_ _

__"That handprint on your shoulder, you never asked him about it?" Gabriel asked and Dean shook his head._ _

__Gabriel made a comically wide-eyed expression. "Rightio." He said popping the ‘O.'_ _

__They moved his body over, Gabriel turning him, Sam and Dean supporting the weight of him to ease the pain of landing. Once he was positioned appropriately, they waited to see if he would stir._ _

__"Sam could you get me a large bowl of water and a sponge from the kitchen please," Gabriel asked politely breaking the silence as the boys stared at the blood soaked fabric clinging to Castiel's back._ _

__Even Gabriel looked pained seeing the state of his back and Dean finally began to understand._ _

__The black shirt was sticking to all of Castiel's back from the wet sticky blood, but the blood itself was flowing from two wounds on the former Angels back._ _

__"I'll heal him a bit then we'll take off his shirt, and I can tidy everything up. I am glad you two are here, I needed a couple of assistant's."_ _

__Dean glared._ _

__"I would've called Angels but this is private to Cas, to any Angel their wings are a big deal but broken wings or this-" Gabriel stopped talking, "I didn't want to bring in people who Cas didn't trust and love."_ _

__Sam returned with the bowl warm water, a sponge and some bottled water in his hands._ _

__"Let's begin shall we?" Gabriel asked his hazel eyes meeting Dean's momentarily before raising his hand in the middle of Castiel's back and letting a warm white glow shine from it._ _

__The instant the light reached Castiel's skin, he screamed. His body shook, he thrashed but Gabriel kept his hand steady, carefully gliding it over the wounds on his brothers back. Sam was lost for ways to assist, giving up in vain trying to still the thrashing legs. Instead, just he stood back._ _

__It took still took longer than Dean expected. It seemed to take hours when in reality it took less than a minute. Cas's body was shaking, almost seizure like now but rather than screams and cries, the sounds had become deeply pained broken moans._ _

__Dean sat beside him on the bed, his hand covering one of Cas's which was now only clinging to the sheets, almost trying to drag himself away._ _

__Then Gabriel stopped. He touched his shoulder and the bed erasing all the blood from his clothes and sheets again._ _

__Dean didn't move, just remained frozen holding Cas's hand within his._ _

__"Sam, the bowl please."_ _

__"Is he awake?"_ _

__"It's a complex state. He's not in a coma exactly, I don't know whether he is awake or not when I heal him. He simply might not have enough energy to open his eyes."_ _

__"Is there anything we can do?" Sam asked this situation was so beyond the Winchesters, neither of them knows any real way to help him._ _

__"Dad said that if he doesn't wake up soon, even for a few minutes and is verbal then, he'll come down and wake him himself." Gabriel said, "Sam, bowl please."_ _

__Sam finally obliged, passing over the down and helping him by laying the sponges out._ _

__"We're going to have to do our best to soak the wound," Gabriel said watching the droplets of blood already soaking through his clothing again._ _

__Dean tried to help Gabriel with the sponges and pulling the fabric back when appropriate, but the first part of the wound they exposed had him backing away in shock. He held his arms around his stomach trying to suppress the sudden urge to vomit. He hadn't let himself really look at the injury until he had uncovered in himself._ _

__Dean sat on the ground in the corner of the room watching as Sam and Gabriel sponged Cas's back, soaking the fabric before slowly peeling it back to reveal the open wound._ _

__Dean pulled himself together and stood up, he crossed the room and stood between Sam and Gabriel. As they exposed more and more of the wound, Dean was torn between crying and vomiting._ _

__He's seen a lot of blood in his life, a lot of injuries, but this was different. Just like finding Charlies body had been. Dean had been in pure shock, almost denial, Sam had nearly puked as soon as they opened the door. It's all different when it's someone who you love dearly, and there is nothing you can do._ _

__They had sliced the back of the shirt to expose the skin, and they pulled the two pieces of clothing from his body._ _

__"Dean?" Sam asked, and Dean flicked out of his reverie._ _

__"What?"_ _

__"I asked if you could get him a shirt, we'll leave it off for now and if he wakes up, Gabriel said he might not want anyone to see the wounds, so he’ll need a shirt."_ _

__Dean left the room without a word, he allowed himself a moment of deep breaths before he upended his own duffle onto one of the beds. He looked through his own clothing mindlessly. He considered one of his favorites, his ghost buster shirt but didn't want to be creepy and enjoy Cas wearing his clothes and found one at random instead. A faded gray Duran-Duran shirt._ _

__When he entered the room again, they had finished sponging his back and Gabriel was healing him again. Though the bright light radiating from Gabriels hand, Dean could see two wounds starting above the hips, traveling up the spine and separating at the shoulder blades running up and ending near the armpits on either side. They didn't look too bad now, but Dean suspected they were before the first bout of healing._ _

__Gabriel and Sam looked up at him as he entered the room._ _

__"Why was he lying on his back? When his back is like this?" Dean asked concerned._ _

__"Because I couldn't make him calm down and keep still at the same time. Not without doing things I don't want to do to Castiel." Gabriel replied the glow fading as he spoke to Dean._ _

__"What things?"_ _

__"Forcing him, binding him, strapping him down." Gabriel listed sounding tired, "Anything to stop him from doing more harm to himself. But he calmed while he was laid on the bed like that, he looked almost comfortable."_ _

__Sam clapped his brother on the shoulder, "Why don't you wait out there?"_ _

__"I don't want to." Dean walked past Sam and took his seat on Cas's bed again, he looked at Sam to Gabriel to the wall. The floor anywhere but Cas or his back. If only Sam hadn't noticed._ _

__"You can't even look at him."_ _

__"It's just a lot to take in okay! I don't like it! I've already watched him die once in the past few days I don't want to see him be practically tortured.”_ _

__"Then wait outside."_ _

__"I wouldn't wait outside if he was awake why should I when he's not. If Gabriel’s right, and this is my fault, then I need to be here."_ _

__"Dean you nearly-"_ _

__"I'm staying. Before you start Sam, it's not about _that_ okay? If I hadn't told you, you wouldn't be saying this stuff.”_ _

__“Dean it wasn't really a surprise okay? Hell Gabriel was barely shocked.”_ _

__“I'm pretty sure half of Heaven thinks you two spend all your time doing unholy things to each other in between apocalypse and Cas’s rebellions.” Gabe mused with a wink to Dean, “If you’re happy to stay with him while I leave that would be helpful.”_ _

__“Where are you going?” Dean asked surprised._ _

__“I’ve got to nip upstairs to give Dad an update, I’ll have my ears on though Deano, don’t worry. You so much as think my name and here I’ll be.”_ _

__“We’ll be right Gabe,” Sam assured him._ _

__“What if he needs you?”_ _

__“Dean, I’m healing him every 15 minutes, I will be back in 15 minutes to heal him again.”_ _

__“Oh, okay then.”_ _

__“Am I allowed to stay with him, you said the handprint-”_ _

__“It should be all right, let me have a look at it once we’re finished here.” Gabriel murmured his hand going to work over Cas’s back again. This time, Cas’s pain was expressed through little keening moans._ _

__Dean rubbed parts of his arms in a way he hoped was reassuring and stayed with him after Gabriel had announced he was finished._ _

__Gabriel had inspected the handprint on Dean’s shoulder carefully before smirking and looking over at his unconscious brother and saying “ _Oh Cassie.__ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do realise how cheesy the whole Dmitri thing is I swear. XD
> 
> I talked about how I loved to write with Jensen during my autograph op in DCcon and he why I wasn't at home writing now and I told him I had a bit of writers block and was trying to think of a nice name character for one of my characters boyfriends. (I write non-fan-fiction too, but I was at the time talking about this fic lol) Anyway, Jensen's like "You need a name?" and I nodded, "What about Dmitri?" he winked and barked out a laugh and obviously found it very funny so add that to the list of examples of how Jensen loves Misha's birthname. <3


	6. The One Where The Sleeping Angel Wakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel wakes up, and drama arises already.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if all hotels are the same, I based this room from the one my now-Sister In Law hired for a few days for the Bridal Party for the wedding. It had cooking utensils like pots and pans etc. So if yours are different, sorry. 
> 
> Also, if you guys want, I had a bit of a slump with this chapter (plus the joys of moving house) but to get myself going, I wrote a bit from this chapter in Cas's POV. You guys want me to upload it? Here or my tumblr or what? Let me know.
> 
> (Also, after that new episode, SPOILERS :: I am sorely aware that my Chuck is nowhere near the levels of sass and snark and adorable-ness that canon!chuck now has.

But Castiel didn't wake up.

Dean stayed by Cas's bed after Gabriel left. He sat silently watching Cas's chest rising and falling with every breath the new human took. Barely five minutes had passed before Sam returned and sighed before leaving again. He came back with a fresh bowl of water and clean cloths. 

Sam looked on in despair at the blood slowly blossoming on his back, the skin that had been magically stitched back together just minutes ago, opening again already. 

Sam gently washed them away, leaving only the raw skin behind. It quickly became effort in vain as the wound opened again, and the blood spilled faster than Sam could catch it.

"It's okay Sammy" Dean spoke in a dejected voice but offering his brother a little reassuring nod as Sam looked up at him woefully finally laying his washer down. "Let's call Gabriel." 

The Arch Angel didn't disappoint; he arrived as Sam began to pray. "Told ya" he winked at the brothers. "Hey Cassie," Gabriel murmured in greeting, looking down at his little brother wistfully. "Dad'll be down sometime soon." he offered louder, his words now intended for all of them, the Winchesters nodded. 

Dean held his Cas's hand in his own and rubbed his hair soothing him in any way he could while Gabriel treated him. He still yelled, and groaned and sobbed but Gabriel thanked him nonetheless.

This process went on, for several days, and the only changes in Castiel's state were that the wound was staying healed for longer. Lasting almost a full hour before it was clear that Cas was in distress and the pain was affecting his rest.

The evening of the first day spent in the hotel, Dean was determined to keep the promise he made that Cas wouldn't wake up alone. He refused to leave Cas's side for anything other than to whinge at Sam to make him food or to use the ensuite, attached to Cas's hotel room.

The suite Gabriel had booked was exquisite. Clean lines, polished floorboards, golden bits on half the furniture, just in case you needed reminders of how expensive this crap was. Compared to the motel's they were used to, this was Heaven. They didn't know what they had expected, though as if Gabriel would ever slum it. There was also two bedrooms which meant another huge bed that the Winchesters could easily share without invading each other's space. Not that it's the first time they shared a bed, they are brothers, after all, brothers who travel, _alot.  
_

It would be sensible- logical even, for most people, let the humans sleep and get the Arch Angel to watch Cas during the night. But not Dean. Dean spent the first two nights sleeping in the armchair. Sam understood why of course but on the third night, he practically pushed his brother out of the room when it came to calling it a night.

Sam had attempted to reason with his brother every night suggesting they do shifts and take turns sitting by Cas's so he wouldn't wake alone. However, Dean had objected each time insisting Sam go and get a good nights sleep. Dean had told Sam he would wake him, and they could switch, but Sam woke early that morning to find Dean slumped in the same chair fast asleep.

To Dean's credit, the slightest groan from Castiel did wake him. Gabriel had explained to Sam that he had zapped Dean to allow the man to sleep through Cas's numerous healings, shielding his ears from Cas's cries. A minor touch of grace that Gabriel believed wouldn't negatively affect Castiel's healing.

"We'll take turns, Dean" Sam insisted again this time determined. "If he so much as shuffles in a way that I think mean's he's gonna wake up, I'll call you," Sam promised standing up as if preparing to push him from the room.

Dean nodded and left the room, and Sam watched him go. Sam didn't know how much of this was his love of Cas and how much was their friendship because he didn't know how long Dean had felt the way he does. Dean being Dean meant that Sam couldn't just try to talk to him about it, he would keep it bottled up inside till he snapped. Hopefully just not at Castiel again.

\---

Dean woke on the fourth morning, his first in the bed and looked around the room groggily until his sight settled on the lump on the sofa opposite the bed. A form shaped like Sam. Dean sat up quickly, blinking letting his eyes adjust.

_That is Sam, why isn't he with Cas?_ He thought through his sleep addled brain panic weighing in his mind. Despite his worry, he couldn't begrudge his little brother well-needed sleep, so he crept out of the room as quietly as he could, quickening his pace approaching Cas's door. 

"Cas?" he asked nudging the door open, thinking perhaps he had awoken and instructed Sam to rest and not to wake Dean.

“Hello, Dean,” Chuck greeted him politely looking up as Dean walked into the room. He sat by the bed where Castiel still lay. He looked up from where he was watching his son sleep.

“Sorry I should have knocked, I didn't mean to interrupt.”

“Not at all, I just came to check on you all.” He said looking down at Castiel again, “My son is healing well Dean, that may be hard to understand, but he is.”

“Has he woken up yet?” Dean asked approaching and taking a seat opposite Chucks.

“No, but there is progress.”

“Right.” Dean nodded. He did look more peaceful; he'd give Chuck that.

“He is resting better this morning, his healing is alternate hourly now; it could be less frequent, but Gabriel is aiming for minimal pain even during sleep,” Chuck explained to Dean, and he nodded.

“Gabriel doesn't stick around because he doesn't want to expose him to too much grace. Wouldn't your presence be worse? Like a nuke compared to a shaken can of soda?”

“My presence is proactive in his recovery much like we suspect your presence to be.” Chuck nodded, “Prolonged it would be negative but I won’t stay long; I will visit again soon, hopefully when he awakes.”

“Oh, so is _my_ prolonged presence negatively affecting him?” 

"No, you two are... positively charged I guess you could say. Balthazar joked that perhaps your presence would help him fall further. How his Grace seemingly wanted to fly from him at your mere presence."

Dean stared at God.

"It's a joke, Dean." Chuck mused looking at him at if he was intrigued by what he saw. "Walk with me" he instructed rising from his chair and guiding Dean towards the door. "Castiel will be alright alone for a few moments Dean. He won't be waking up for at least a few hours now." 

"Did Gabriel tell you the uh, thing?" Dean mumbled out as he and Chuck left the room, he rubbed his neck nervously as he spoke.

"What _thing_ Dean?" Chuck asked staring at him. "You need to come to terms with the true meaning of your affection to Castiel. _You_ need to understand yourself how much you are willing to give to him. If you love him as you claim to do, are your feelings romantic? Do you wish to be with him physically, or are they platonic? And do you regard him as you do your brother?"

"Uhm." Dean stared at him to Cas and back to him.

"I am doing my very best not to hear your thoughts as he is my son after all." Chuck said stroking a wayward part of his hair away from his closed eyes, "But I can sense your uncertainty."

"Sam said he thought Cas was depressed," Dean mentioned changing the subject. He knew how he felt about Cas; his problem was how to show his love for Cas.

"It is possible." Chuck admitted, "My children weren't designed for as much emotion as Castiel has."

"Gabriel and Balthazar call him your favorite."

Chuck looked at him intently, "You were right. The other angels _do_ think Castiel was built wrong, that there was a fault within him. Other 'faulty' angels have existed, of course, popularly being Lucifer, but I believe everything you said was right."

"That doesn't answer my question."

"It wasn't a question Dean." he said peacefully, "As for his depression, it is a terrible thing that plagues my Humanity, but I believe with you and your brother's help, love, and support, he will emerge stronger and more whole than every before.Castiel has the strength in himself to beat any and all evils, even his own."

"You can't fix him?"

"He isn't broken, Dean."

\---

Dean had taken Chucks words to mean that Cas would be waking up at any moment and thus rejected Sam's offer to watch over him while Dean rested. Dean settled himself in an armchair, moved towards the bed so his feet could rest by Castiel's.

But, Castiel still didn't wake up.

Early noon of the same day Gabriel had ordered Dean to leave.

"Go outside! Get some fresh air! Just stop stressing, you're making us all tense Dean!" Gabriel ordered him, "Sam will watch over Castiel."

Dean groaned in frustration.

"C'mon dude, when Cas wakes up he'll probably be hungry, buy some food, and cook him his first meal," Sam instructed him looking at the look of annoyance on Dean's face at his words.

"C'mon man, Gabriels threatening to send you to Rome and leave you there. He said the grace would have worn off by the time you got back 'the human way' so it wouldn't do any harm to Cas." Dean looked at Sam skeptically. "Apparently there is a bakery that sells these doughnut things that he loves, and he's gonna buy some and just leave you."

"Dean. Please. Trust me; I'll call you if there is _any change._."

Dean was about to argue when Gabriel popped his head round the corner.

"If you don't, the next topic of discussion will be how long you've been in love with my little brother." the Arch Angel threatened promisingly.

"If he wakes up, you call me. Straight away alright?" Dean ordered storming out of the room ignoring Gabriels words.

The Angel and the younger hunter watched Dean leave, picking up the Impala keys on the way.

"Is he always like this when Cas is hurt?" Gabriel asked turning to Sam the moment Dean left the room.

Sam shrugged, "Pretty much yeah." He admitted, "Lucifer messed him up; he feels guilty over not knowing, it took him some time to even consider that he said yes in the first place. Then he only acknowledged it after Cas didn't show himself when we did a spell and Dean called. He's always highly strung regarding Cas though, I just kinda got used to it."

"Did you know?"

"I guess I kinda expected it? They _stare_ at each other, and Dean's reaction when Cas told us he had sex." Sam laughed, "Oh I could go on. I guess I was just surprised that _Dean_ knew."

\---

Dean wasn't impressed to find Sam lounging on the sofa when he returned early evening.

"Cas?" He asked indignantly, and Sam reassured him walking to the kitchen with him where he unloaded his grocery bags.

"Gabriel just healed him; I've got my phone and Gabriels phones set up on speaker like a pair of walkie talkies so that I can hear everything. Gabriel was getting a bit hyper-active from being cooped up. I think it's affecting him now too, seeing Cas how he is. So we were talking in the lounge rather than leave him alone to do who knows what his boredom would produce. He's gone to Heaven to update the others again."

"How has he been?"

"Cas?" Sam asked, "He's been stirring a bit actually, nothing too worrying," he reassured his brother, "just kinda tossing in his sleep. Might be a sign."

Dean nodded, luckily the layout of the hotel suite meant parts of the kitchen had a view through the open doors of the master bedroom. Dean found himself stepping back from the counter to check on the sleeping, new human often."

"Did Gabriel ask about-" Dean shook his head stopping himself mid-sentence.

"He just asked if you were always this worried when something was wrong with Cas." Sam replied, "And how long I knew." He added standing to meet his brother in the kitchen.

Dean nodded but didn't speak again for several moments before Sam began unpacking the groceries. 

"I'm making spaghetti" he announced, "Like Bobby used to make it."

"With hot dog pieces?" Sam asked his face lighting up and a smile on his lips.

"Course," Dean grinned, "Tomorrow night is burgers. I tried not to buy too many perishables that we wouldn't eat or stuff we couldn't take with us."

"You thought this through." Sam recognized, impressed.

Dean turned to face him a smile on his lips ready to announce more before a groan sounded from the phone in Sam's hands and attracted their attention.

"Check on him; I'll start prepping," Sam told him as he found a cooking pot in a cupboard and started filling it with water.

"You just want to munch on the hotdogs while I'm not looking, I know you, Sam." Dean quipped in a low mutter as he left the kitchen.

Dean made his way into the bedroom closing the door slightly too before he took a seat by Cas's bed. He looked around the room, he wished he could make it more homely but was lost for ideas. Dean had considered placing one of the photos he borrowed from Cas, which were currently in his duffle, on the former Angels bedside table but he decided against it. Worried it would seem odd or selfish that if Dean had only bought the ones of him and Cas together, not photos with Sam in them too.

Cas was definitely more restless, crying out, and shuffling in his sleep, more disturbed that he had been the last few days. However he now looked like Cas was just sleeping, and maybe a bad dream was bothering him rather than the past where he had been in a deep coma-like state, unresponsive to everything except the pain of his wound and the process of healing.

Dean rested a hand on the man's shoulder from his chair and rubbed what he hoped were reassuring circles onto his bare skin. When he relaxed Dean left him again, leaving the door open again and being sure to take Sam's phone back out with him.

Sam was laying out the ingredients when Dean met him in the kitchen again; he looked surprised at Deans fast return.

"Oh cmon, if he wakes up and eats then I'm not letting you take credit for my idea. I had to go into a freaking vegetable store to get the stuff for this."

Sam chuckled, "Hey you remember the first time Bobby made this for us? You asked him what was in it, and he told you and you were annoyed cause there was no meat?" Sam recalled with a laugh. "He kept the hotdogs a surprise,"

"But we couldn't say anything cause it was Aunt Karens recipe and we didn't want to upset Uncle Bobby," Dean added with a nod. "Then it turned out to be the best food we ever had, and I made him teach me how to cook it so I could make it for you."

Sam looked over at him fondly, "You know I think about all the things you did for me when I was little Dean, I-"

"Sammy, I don't need you getting soft on me here dude."

"Dean, just listen." Sam pressed on, "I've been thinking alright? Cas is a brand new human now, and I know he's been human before, but we weren't there for him then- Just _listen_ to me Dean." Sam said seeing the look on his brother's face. "We will be there for him this time. So that means, everything from shaving lessons, cooking lessons, picking up girls- or, or guys" Sam added as Dean stared at him blankly with wide eyes. "Or just skip that one, uh, and all the stuff that you did for me, but we're gonna do it together for him." Sam smiled, "I know you probably want to do it all yourself, but I do want to be a part okay? I'll let you have your time alone with him, and I'll bite my tongue and not tease you every time I leave you two alone, I promise. Just, what you said before about us treating you differently now because you told me, I'm sorry if that is true, I know I might have made a comment or two, but it's just cause I love you Dean, and I want you to be happy."

"How did we end up on this topic again?"

Sam just shook his head with a smile before he picked up the garlic cloves from a bag and held them up. "These fresh or are the out the boot of the Impala?"

\---

Bobby wasn't a big cook, and this particular recipe was one he told the boys Karen used to prep for him before she went out with the girls for a night, or when they wanted an easy supper. Dean went back to Cas's side once all the ingredients, less for the spaghetti, were being let to stand for an hour.

Sam and Dean had divided the work, not that there was a whole lot to do. Dean finely chopped the whole tomatoes, seeded and chopped a red bell pepper, Sam minced the _fresh_ garlic and earned a look from Dean when he asked how he was supposed to 'tear' the basil leaves. The fresh ingredients with some olive oil and salt and pepper to taste was all that was needed.

Sam sat at the dining table and watched Dean fiddle around the small kitchen, "I'll put the pasta on in half an hour; you sit with him."

"You sure?" Dean asked Sam, who nodded. "Just remember to fry the hotdogs, so they've got some colour to them and a little crunch." Dean grinned, "I'm looking forward to this meal Sammy, even if Cas doesn't wake up in time, I'm gonna remake it for him when he does."

"I'm sure he'll love it." Sam agreed before opening his laptop as Dean close the door on his way into Cas's room. Sam's voice had been kind and tender and _sweet._ Dean ignored the urge to defend himself against the 'chick flick moment' and the almost romantic nature of the whole situation; he shrugged it off. 

Cas was now splayed across the opposite side of the bed to the one that Dean had left him on.

“Hey buddy,” Dean said, soothingly to Castiel as the former angel became restless again as he entered the room. Dean pondered if it was his presence hindering the efforts for sleep and he absentmindedly palmed the handprint on his shoulder.

"You gotta rest more peacefully Cas, or you just gonna hurt yourself more. I'm worried you're gonna roll off the bed if you keep carrying on like this." Dean told him lingering beside the bed.

A low groan fell from Cas’s lips, and a frowned marked his sleeping face as he rolled again moving closer to the edge of the bed, closer to Dean. Dean stood up and sat on the side of the bed in as a buffer to stop Cas from rolling off the bed and onto the floor.

He smiled to himself; he had never actually seen Cas wake up at any time of the day, but Dean had always imagined that he wouldn't be a morning person. So he found the timing of the scrunched up faces particularly funny- no screw it, it was damn adorable. Dean just hoped it was a sign he was waking up. He took a seat on the part of the bed that Cas had vacated, and the sleeping figure moved closer to Dean as the bed dipped.

He wasn’t staring at the other mans body while he slept, he wasn’t, that would be creepy. Dean will be much more appreciative of the way the suit slacks hung from his hipbones even while laying down when Cas wakes. There were still a few burns lingering on Cas’s body, nothing like the hundred or so his empty vessel had after the grace explosion, but they looked like they could be from his fall. _Might not even be angelic,_ Dean pondered, _he is human now, he’ll scar like the rest of us._ Then there was the tattoo that Dean didn’t know Cas had.

“Dean?” A little and dry voice interrupted his thoughts. Castiel shuffled moving closer almost beginning to curl around Deans spot on the bed.

“Cas?” Dean asked his voice raising in excitement, he slid off the bed and onto his knees on the floor to have a better view of Cas’s face.

Cas winced at his loud voice, but a smile picked at the side of his chapped lips.

“Cas, hey buddy can you open your eyes for me?” Dean asked his hand catching Cas’s within his own, his voice calmer and more controlled.

Another moan, “Dean.” 

Not a question this time, and Dean smiled, relishing the feeling of pleasure that ran through him knowing that Cas knew he was there with him.

Dean used his other hand to cup the cheek that wasn’t laying against the pillow, “I’m here Cas, not going anywhere. If you want to keep resting you can, or if you can open your eyes for me, that would be pretty damn good too.”

Then after a few groggy blinks, Cas’s eyes fluttered open and as blue met green, a small smile took Cas’s mouth again. 

“Hello Dean.” his voice was small and dry and sounded painful, but Dean smiled nonetheless.

“Oh, you don’t know how much I missed your voice the last few days and your eyes. Cas I was so fucking worried you’d never wake up. It’s been four days and I just- I’m so glad your alive.”

“Ouch.” Cas whispered, and Dean withdrew his hand quickly. 

“You in pain? Do you want me to get Gabriel?” 

“Gabriel?” Cas looked confused; he held onto Deans' hand as the other man made to stand-up. “No, I don’t need him right now, I want you, but you’re just talking very loud, and fast. It’s hurting my head.” He said with a breathy laugh, his voice, a just above a whisper.

“Sorry.” Dean said settling on the ground again, his voice softer now, “I got a bit excited.”

Cas smiled, “You look tired Dean, this room, where are we? Was it a long drive?”

“A couple of hours, nothing really, not to us, Definitely not where you’re concerned buddy.” 

Cas nodded, he coughed dryly trying to chase away the overly harsh sound of his voice.

"Have some water Cas; your throat must be dry," Dean said after a moment of intent mutual staring. He leant down, opened the mini fridge on the bedside table and opened a bottle of water for Cas. He drank gratefully before Dean slowed him. "Woah Cas, you don't want to drown yourself. Take it slow; little sips are better for you than gulps."

" _Where_ are we?" Cas asked looking around the room after he wiped a wayward drop from his chin.

"Lincoln, Nebraska." Dean supplied after fumbling for a few seconds watch the droplet run down Cas's lightly stubbled chin. "Gabriel got this place so you'd be safe and sound while he healed you."

"I told Sam I probably would miss."

"It's no matter like I said, it's only a few hours drive from the bunker when you're up to it, we'll go there. It's no sweat."

"You and Sam must both be so tired." Cas groaned out in barely a whisper.

"I think I've driven further for a slice of decent pie before Cas."

"You love pie," Cas spoke with a smile playing on his lips.

"I love you." Dean shrugged, playing it off grateful that Sam wasn't secretly behind them.

"More than pie?" Cas asked still smiling though a grimace as he tried to reposition himself.

" _Well..._ " Dean teased lighting up at Cas's smile. "You wanna sit up?" he asked as Cas shuffled again.

"Yes, I might need some assistance, I-" Another sound of pain fell from his lips, and Dean surged forward to support his weight as he leant forward.

"I'm sorry," Cas whispered as Dean supported him and helped him adjust himself to a sitting position, Dean ignored the clench in his stomach as he remembered the wounds on Cas's back and piled pillows behind him seeking any comfort for his Angel.

"It's no problem Cas," Dean assured him, but Cas still looked down.

"What's wrong Cas? You need Gabriel?"

"Gabriel is here?"

"Yeah, well, he's upstairs, he's been getting a little stir-crazy being in this place for too long, but he's been healing you and-"

"I almost forgot about the wound." Cas murmured, brows furrowed and he pulled up a blanket to cover his bare chest almost instinctively.

"I've got a shirt here if you want it." Dean offered, standing up and picking it up before perching himself on the other side of the bed, his legs crossed sitting by Cas.

 

"If you put your arms and head, through, then lean forward- I can help if you like- not that you need it, you are-" Dean fumbled on his words as Cas looked at him with big wet eyes. "Yeah like that." he praised and let Cas rest against him and softly pulled his upper body forward again. With Cas leaning against Dean, as gentle as he could pulled the shirt down over his back.

"Thank-you Dean," Cas said leaning back comfortably, the two looking at each other in silence before Dean cleared his throat and shuffled back slightly, moving away from where Castiel lay against his pile of pillows.

"I apologize" Cas retracted looking from Dean's face to his hands in his lap, and he fiddled with the blanket that still covered him.

"No, no it's not you, it's okay, I just remembered Sam and Gabriel, we should let them know you're awake." Dean assured him, "Sam's just out here, we made a batch of Singer's famous spaghetti if you're up to eating." Dean moved to get off the bed, but Cas stopped him.

"I want to see them, I do, but could I just tell you something first? I just need to talk to you." Cas pleaded, and Dean settled in again, his legs brushing against Castiel, their bodies closer than before.

Dean nodded, "Anything."

"Firstly I wish to apologize for," Cas gestured between then, "staring, you've spent your time since we met teaching me the human protocols, and I'm sorry."

"Cas, I don't mind, I find it-"

"Everything is very different now, of course, I am human, and with that comes much change."

"It's fine Cas really, I wasn't uncomfortable, hell I like you staring at me, it's actually relaxing." Dean choked out a laugh, "I know I stare at you just as much." He admitted dipping his head demurely despite his smile. "What's the biggest difference?" Dean asked curiously after a few moments and Cas pondered.

"I experienced a lot my last time as a human, but I think the part that surprised me the most was sight."

"Sight?" Dean asked surprised at the simple answer.

"Angels don't see the same way Humans do." Cas explained, "When I healed you and your brother I did my best to protect you because I knew what has come. I knew Lucifer would defeat me, I knew he would raise from the vessel, and I would have to do my best to contain him until I hoped heaven would strike him. If you had witnessed that, our real forms on Earth, you would have melted. I believe you saw the grace as figures yes?" Cas asked, and Dean nodded, "That's how Angels see each other. Humans are different, spending a lot of time around one person, you become acquainted yes?" Cas asked, and Dean nodded. "That works with Humans and Angels too except with their appearance."

"Right" Dean said despite being lost.

"Basically, to me, much of the time you looked like a beautiful intricate glow of soul. _Always_ beautiful Dean." Cas repeated after Dean huffed. "The first moment I saw you properly in your true human form, the first time I saw your face correctly, was the moment I woke up after Gadreel saved me after April."

"I'd seen it before like I say the more time together, the more familiar I became with your appearance as an angel, but it's not anything like how you look to me as a human."

Dean didn't know whether to thank him or not. "So basically you like my face." Dean teased with a wink. ( _No he was not flirting..._ )

"Yes, I do."

"Well, I like your face too Cas."

Dean made a mental note to continue to flirt shamelessly with Cas if it was going to result in more rosy blushes rising his cheeks. He also vowed to get them into a state where he was permitted to kiss him every time he felt the slightest urge because right now that was what Dean was fighting the most.

"As a human, after Metatron, I thought of you, and I was sad at the idea of never being able to see your soul again, but then when I regained my wings, I missed your face."

Dean smiled.

"And naturally I'm sorry for everything else," Cas added, but Dean shook his head.

"Cas I'm the one who said the shit I didn't mean and stormed out, you're sorry, I'm sorry, we're both idiots, but let's just agree that it's all good and start fresh?"

Castiel nodded and leaned back against the pile of pillows Dean made for him. Dean moved too, sitting beside Cas also leaning on the pillows.

"Was there anything else?"

Cas looked close to drifting off when a growl sounded from his stomach.

"I guess I am hungry after all."

"It's Bobby's recipe, well his wife, but we are pretty sure Bobby added the hotdogs."

Cas rested his head on Dean's shoulder. "Thank-you Dean."

Dean closed his eyes, all he wanted was to wrap his arms around Cas and tell him everything. _He wanted to hold him._ He could almost hear the tears welling in his voice, but he was too aware that Cas was so fragile at the moment, too emotional, and far too tired to understand the gravity of Dean's words. Then there was the simple fact that Dean knows Cas deserves romance, and a random confession of love when he is at his weakest isn't romantic.

"Dude... chick-flick moments." he thought to himself but smiled anyway resting his head on Cas's gently.

\---

"Hey, Dean?"

Deans eyes snapped open, his surprise at Sam's voice jolting Cas and he instantly apologized. "Sorry Cas, I didn't mean to-"

"It's okay Dean." Cas murmured before smiling at Sam who was staring at the both of them in shock. "Hello, Sam."

"Cas!" Sam smiled rushing forward and also taking a seat on the bedside, "Oh man, how are you? You look good, well, you're bleeding but other than that, you look good, all things considered." Cas stared at him still smiling, "I'm babbling, sorry. Dean, the food I'll be ready in 5 minutes if you wanna plate up."

"I didn't notice you were bleeding Cas, sorry, I would have called your brother."

"I'm fine Dean, I told you I wanted to speak with you, I'm not in too much pain, its just blood."

"Yeah but you're human now Cas, blood is bad." Dean chastised harshly, and Cas looked weakened at Deans tone.

"Dean, go easy on him hey? Gabriel will help him; you know that-"

"Mind you're business, Sam." Dean snapped, and Sam glared at him.

"Do the food, Dean." Sam gritted out, and Dean looked at him surprised and he nodded towards Castiel.

He looked so sad again, the smile that he held for Sam was gone, he had shuffled away from Dean and was close to clutching his knees to his chest which mustn't have been easy, his bones must be stiff.

"Cas no buddy, I didn't mean to talk to you like that- I didn't-"

"Dean just stops, you don't need to treat me like this." Cas said, and Dean winced, "I'm not broken."

"I didn't say that you were Cas. Why would you even say that."

"You asked my father to fix me."

"I didn't mean- How do you even know that?"

"Father touched my forehead while you two were talking." Cas said, "You said Sam thought I was depressed and asked him to fix me."

"I didn't mean it like that Cas; there's nothing wrong with you Cas, I didn't-"

"You're acting so carefully! I know there was truth to what you said to me in heaven Dean, you were truely angry, and now you are disregarding it all, and instead, we are pretending nothing-" Cas bows his head, his voice beginning to sound tired. "You've been apologizing after you helped me as if the fact that I _needed_ your help would upset me. I need your help, Dean; I know that I am grateful that you give it so willingly and kindly. But I don't want to lose you or your brother Dean, but I don't think it will last for long like this. We are fighting _already._ "

"Cas, okay. I did say that, but I didn't mean it's- I was scared I was going to lose you Cas. I said a lot of things I didn't mean." Dean tentatively placed his hand on Cas's shoulder. "We need to talk; I know that. About a hell of a lot of stuff, but we need to get you up and back at it first. When we get back to the bunker, we'll sit down and talk, I promise. If I piss you off just tell me, or hit me,   
hell punch me in the face if I'm not listening, just tell us what you need and when. If you don't need help and we're trying to give it, just tell us and we'll back off. Whatever you need Cas, you've done so much for us; we want to show you how much we care by returning the gesture. It's what friends do, what family do."

Cas looked teary again but he smiled nodded, and Dean sighed moving closer to his hunched body, "C'mere." Dean wrapped his arms around Cas, his arms carefully dodging the wound. "I need you Cas; you know that I am just worried. I'll help you with anything, and if you don't want it, just tell me okay?"

"I'm just- it's just alot, human's _feel._ Dean, I don't think I'll ever get used to _feeling._ "

Dean nodded to Sam and his brother nodded, "Shall I call Gabriel Cas?"

"Yes," Cas said, still clinging to Dean.

"Gabriel? We could do with a little help." Sam said sitting down in the armchair he had come to think of as Deans.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thankyou for reading please k, review, bookmark etc.


	7. The One With The Family Lunch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Take Dean, Sam, Chuck, Cas and Gabriel and sit them together for meal...

"Gabriel? We could do with a little help." Sam said sitting down in the armchair he had come to think of as Deans.

A few moments and whoosh of wings later, Gabriel appeared. He winked at Sam before responding, "You called Sweetcheeks?" 

Sam looked at him pointedly nudging his head towards the bed; Gabriel turned to see the bed where Dean and Castiel were still holding each other tightly. 

"I hope my baby brother woke up, and you're not molesting him in his sleep Deano," Gabriel said with a grin.

"Gabriel." Cas's voice sounded, again muffled from Dean's shoulder.

The sheer relief almost radiated from Gabriels grin, yet he continued to tease, "Sorry Bro, you've got a Dean on you, can't quite understand-"

"Okay okay" Dean groaned releasing Cas gently, he shuffled away letting Cas rest against the pillows again, "He needs you, Gabriel. I'll plate up if you're still hungry Cas." He added standing up but not leaving Cas's side.

"Yes please," Cas said gratefully before turning his attention back to his brother. "Gabriel, are you well?"

"I'm fine Cassie, you're a stubborn bugger you know that? Your body hasn't wanted to stay healed." 

"I am sorry, it must have been taxing on you," Cas replied downcast.

"I know what I signed up for Castiel." Gabriel assured him, "You worried the grace out of me for a while but it's good to see you awake."

"Do you want help with the healing or shall we prep dinner?"

Dean had noticed Gabriel glance to Castiel before he replied. "We'll be a-okay, set off and prepare Castiel his first feast." He told them grandly before shutting the door in their face as they left the room.

"Castiel, how are you honestly?" He asked crossing the room again now that the brothers were alone.

"I'm fine Gabriel," Cas replied his voice was feigning strength, but Gabriel saw the way his shoulders had dropped when the Winchesters left. Castiel was putting on a show of health for them, one which Gabriel expected to cause even more problems.

Gabriel sighed, "Don't try to lie like that to Dad, he won't be so easy on you." Gabriel sat on his knees on Cas's bed. "Lay down Bro, your boyfriend is concerned about you and he wants to feed you up."

"I never really will understand why you call him that." Cas mused laying down and bracing himself on a pillow.

"You will one day." Gabriel teased, and Cas could hear the smirk in his voice but ignored him. "Oh, that handprint on his shoulder, _what's that?_." 

"I-" Cas faltered, "It was a result of his raising." 

_"Cassie"_ Gabe chuckled, "I guess it was accidental?"

"I tried a little too had to raise him." 

"You _still_ wanted to prove yourself, I get it." Gabriel gave him a reassuring smile. "Shirt off, let's do this."

"You didn't tell Dean did you? I didn't mean for it to happen."

"I dunno Bro, he's a good looking guy if that's your type. Starting now." Gabriel warned, his hand raising over Castiel's bleeding wound. 

"Dean-" Cas groaned in pain. "Dean, wouldn't-" A long drawling sound of pain came from Cas before he muffled his mouth on a pillow.

Cas braced himself as Gabriel paused in his healing. "We won't leave it so long next time; it's a lot of pain to handle when you're conscious." He promised his brother, laying a comforting hand on his shoulder before beginning again.

Gabriel moved his hand down Cas's back healing the skin as quickly as he could, the wound itself was healing well, the injuries were no longer so profound but, the skin around it was red and raw and still needed healing. Gabriel suspected it was from the movement after three days of healing him in one place. "Dean loves you Castiel; you know that. It's not just that though is it? I mean you two, you and him, well you're quite smitten together aren't ya?" 

"We- I have experienced a lot of things with the Winchesters," Cas spoke carefully, his tone guarded, his voice only weakening while a few sounds of pain escaped him.

Gabriel sighed, "Nearly done." Gabriel said, and Cas let out a grunt as sharp pains cut across his back as the lesser flesh wounds began stitching themselves back together.

"Will you stay for dinner?" Cas asked looking up at his brother sitting up after being pat on the shoulder to announce that the healing was complete. 

"No, I'll let you have some more time with them. We'll spend some time together tomorrow if you wake up early enough, this night might exhaust you." 

"I am tired already," Castiel admitted as he moved towards the edge of the bed, "The simple movements of sitting up and down and just the row with Dean and I am sweaty and emotionally drained." Cas grimaced as if this was the one part of humanity he resented the most. 

"Well, you wanted to be Human!" Gabriel teased with a wink before asking nonplussed, "You and Dean fought [i]already?[/i] How you two have managed all these years without murdering each other is beyond me."

"I am going to have to do my best to ease him; it must be emotional for him. After all, I've done now, and he is stuck with-"

"Don't you dare." Gabriel growled, "Please don't stay 'he's stuck with me.' Castiel that guy has been sitting by your bedside every day since you fell. He would never have left your side if Sam hadn't made him get a decent nights sleep. I'll say it again, you love Dean Winchester Castiel, and I know it hinders your judgment sometimes, but he loves you too." 

Cas's face fell to a disgruntled frown, but Gabriel held up his hand silencing Castiel as he was about to interject. 

"He _does._ Your love for the Winchesters has hindered you since you met them, it's always affected you. As much as I disagree with them at times, I have grown to respect them the past few days, just the lengths they have shown themselves willing to go to for you has impressed me." 

Castiel just nodded, he couldn't disagree with his brother's reasons. Gabriels tone was sincere and passionate, it was an expression the Trickster didn't grant to just _anyone_ , so Castiel knew his brother spoke the truth.

"You better not let Deano hear you talking like that; he'll hug those sad thoughts right out of you," Gabriel teased, and Cas smiled despite himself.

"You shouldn't worry about the imprint; it doesn't work with the humans." 

"I know," Cas admitted with a small shoulder shrug. 

Gabriel watched him, "Does it affect Angels?" 

A few beats of silence but Castiel didn't meet Gabriels eyes. 

"Dean- I would love the Winchesters, Dean, even if my grace hadn't made contact with his soul. They have taught me so much about," Cas paused as if he was trying to describe what the brothers mean to him. "Everything." 

"Fair enough." Gabriel helped him stand, silently alleviating the pain for his brother with a little extra grace. "Dad'll be down in the next day or two; he'll check in your state first, make sure you're up to visitors."

"The bond doesn't even feel like an imprint bond anymore." 

"Did it to begin with?" 

"It never felt like I expected an Angel imprint to feel, I was bonded to Dean, but I don't feel like it was a result of _that._ The only time I was very aware it existed was when he and Anna were copulating, she touched it," Castiel explained steadying himself with a hand on the nearby wall as he found his stance. 

"Wow, she truly wanted to get under your skin didn't she?" Gabriels expressed was a mixture of disgust and looking a little impressed.

"Yes. She wanted me to rebel, which I did eventually."

"What, so you- what did you feel when she touched him?" Gabriel asked aware his questions were delaying Castiel sitting again, but his curiosity was eating him alive.

"Anna wasn't an Angel at the time, so perhaps it didn't affect me as it would have if she had been in possession of her grace. I saw into his mind; I saw into her's, she was thinking of me while she touched it, she was aware of her transgression."

"Better get you out there, they'll be missing you," Gabriel told him, running his hand once more over his brothers back. Gabriel supported Castiel as he took an unsteady first step. 

They walked out together to find the boys just plating up the food. 

"I'll leave you three to it then, I'll be back shortly, Dad'll be glad to know you woke up." He told the three of them with a hand on his brother's shoulders. "Don't gorge yourself on the food; your tum-tum's been empty for a long while you'll make yourself sick."

"Thank's Gabriel, you don't want to stay?" Sam offered, "We did pull out four plates!" he told him with a grin, "You're more than welcome." 

"Aw I'll take you up on that dinner date offer sometime Handsome, but tonight duty calls. However, this does look scrumptious. Good job Dean. With Sams help of course." Gabe added with a ruffle of Sam's brown hair before disappearing after pinching a slice of hotdog from a bowl.

"Cas, where did you want to eat?" Sam asked a generous serve of spaghetti, on his plate. "At the table or the lounge will be comfier, depending on how much you ache." 

"Here's fine," Cas said and accepted the seat Dean soon offered for him between the two brothers. "If I sit there I may fall asleep again." He told them with a small smile of gratitude for the thought nonetheless referring to the plush sofas sitting by the TV. 

"You still tired?" Dean asked his voice a mixture of curiosity and worry. 

"Yes, human bodies are wonders but healing times vary. As my fall was so soon after the battle with my elder brother, my human body is retaining some of my unhealed injuries from that. Combined with the wound and it's a lot of trauma for what is essentially a new body." 

"So sleep and rest are the keys hey?" Sam smiled placing a plate in front of Dean and then Castiel, who nodded, both in agreement and in thanks before sitting down himself. 

They ate in silence, several mouthfuls in, Castiel noticed Dean staring at him expectantly. 

"Thankyou for the meal Dean, and you too Sam. It's delicious." 

"Your welcome Cas." Dean replied proudly, "It's Bobby and his Wife's recipe, he cooked it for us all the time when we were young."

"Bobby is a wonderful man." 

They fell into a comfortable silence again as they agreed with his sentiment, and once again Castiel noticed Dean's gaze on him. However when he met the other man's eyes, Dean hastily turned his attention to his food. 

Cas found quickly that the silence, although comfortable between them, allowed his mind to go into overdrive. Memories that he didn't want suddenly invaded his mind he did his very best to try focusing on a happy memory but decided to voice his earlier thoughts to Sam.

"My brother is clearly very fond of you Sam," Castiel said remembering their exchange with a surprised and amused expression on his face.

Sam laughed, "He's growing on me, I admit it." Another bite chewed and swallowed. "We're starting to see him more as your brother and less as the Trickster." He chuckled looking at Dean, "Dean will you stop with the face; you're just lucky that the Angel who likes you best, doesn't go for the PDA." 

Dean had been staring at his food with an exasperated expression since Cas bought up Gabriel and the new human turned to Dean in confusion.

"He means you Cas; it's a joke." 

"Oh" Cas smiled, "I do like you best, though." Cas told him before looking over at Sam with an apologetic expression, "Sorry Sam, Dean and I-" 

"Profound bond, yeah yeah I get it." Sam teased smiling as he ate and a small smile settle on Cas's mouth too as Dean winked playfully at him.

After dinner Gabriel returned, healing Cas again before Cas accepted Dean's suggestion at a shower and offer of more borrowed clothes. The brothers were a little confused at Cas's request for them to leave him with Gabriel despite the 'least amount of Grace exposure' rule still standing. 

Dean stared at the door after Gabriel shut it perplexed. Sam clapped him on the shoulder again in an action that Dean was starting to connect with his brother's desire to not only display support but as a little predisposition to Sam trying to have a deep, meaningful conversation about his _feelings._

\-----

The next morning Dean had to think for several moments about whether or not the day before had been a dream. He entered Cas's room to find the man spread across his bed, still fast asleep. The scene was so painfully familiar that Dean needed to make sure it wasn't his addled mind supplying him with a dream of Castiel awake. 

He even called Gabriel who (much to his amusement) assured Dean he _hadn't_ been dreaming, and that yes Castiel had woken yesterday. Gabriel also shared the news that Castiel was healing better after his few hours of woken adventure yesterday. He explained that Castiel now only required healing every five hours now, a healthy increase on the day before. 

Dean made a pile of pancakes for breakfast and balanced a large plateful in one hand and grabbed assortments of toppings he also bought the day before and carried them into Cas's room intending to rouse him with the warm buttery sweet smell. Instead, Sam walked in to find him grumpily eating a pile of pancakes alone while Cas slept on. He had woken momentarily only to curl back up burying himself beneath the blanket. 

"What?" Sam asked chuckling looking at the huddled form of Castiel under the quilt. "What happened here?" 

"I made breakfast and tried to wake him" Dean explained, "Didn't work. Don't think he's a morning person." 

"Oh." Sam nodded, "There any more pancakes?" 

"In the kitchen." 

Sam shot a wave of 'thank you' over his shoulder as he left the room. 

 

An hour or two later, Dean had wasted time watching Game of Throne crack videos on youtube, but Cas was now stirring every time he laughed out loud, so Dean strolled out to see Sam sitting at the table his laptop in front of him. Dean sat opposite his brother who sat eyeing Dean curiously. 

"Why do you think Gabriel made us leave the room during healings last night?" Dean asked after several moments.

"Cas wanted us to leave Dean." Sam replied closing his laptop gently, "I thought it might happen honestly, with the way Cas is, especially lately and what Gabriel said about him maybe not even wanting his siblings to see his wounds."

"HIs 'siblings' don't _really_ share the love, Sam" Dean responded, "He said that we-" 

"Dean, don't you understand? Everything that has affected him has stemmed of him feeling down about himself. His weakening powers, us treating him differently because of it, you saying that _he was broken..._ I'm not even going to ask what you were thinking because _damn._."

"What's your point, Sam?" Dean asked gritting his teeth, "Because all I'm getting from this is your pissed at me and I'm only screwing this up." 

"My point is that he might not want _us_ to help _him_ because _he_ still wants to be the one to help _us._ " Sam pressed trying to find the words to explain his oppinion.

"So we should stop bringing up the wound? We can be gentle with him but just not tell him we're doing it." Dean asked slowly, thinking as he spoke. "Try not to treat him any different than we would otherwise?" 

"Well, still treat him differently because it could do with some work, but mainly yes."

"You monkeys have some good idea's I like it." The Winchesters turned in their seats to see Gabriel watching them from a leather armchair in the living area of the hotel room. 

"You think it'll help?" Dean asked grudgingly. Dean was still in slight denial that his feelings for Castiel were known by not only Sam but also _Gabriel._

"Yes, it could." Gabriel shrugged before standing and strolling towards the table where that sat, "Although it's only been one day boys; you spent less than two hours with him, and you're fretting your pretty little heads over it."

"You should also know that Castiel and I can hear every word of this discussion." Chuck's voice called out from Cas's room. Castiel and Chuck rounded the corner and entered the living space of the hotel room. "Castiel was just telling me he was hungry, so if you two have any food I'd appreciate if someone could prepare us lunch while we have a discussion in private." 

"Hey Cas, how you feeling?" Dean asked moving towards Cas with an apologetic look on his face. 

"I am feeling better." Cas said sounding relatively confident in his words for a change. 

The smile on his mouth still didn't quite reach his eyes though Dean noticed.

"Good! Cas that's great, sorry about that." Sam waved his hand around to represent the past conversation. "Dean bought the stuff for burgers yesterday? Fancy a burger?" 

"That sounds nice, thank-you," Cas replied graciously. 

"I'll make dessert!" Gabriel announced happily leaving them to walk to the kitchen.

"Castiel let's take a stroll." 

\---

When Cas and Chuck returned they were both smiling happily, Dean and Sam both looked up in shock at the pleasant surprise hearing a round of laughter from Castiel. 

Over lunch, Castiel shared that Chuck thinks that he will be ready to travel in the next few days and that they both agreed that being in a familiar environment would be positive for his recovery. 

"We're talking about the bunker yeah?" Dean asked placing a burger in front of Castiel and taking a seat by his side. He looked from Cas to Chuck, "And if you ask me one more time if your 'welcome' there I'll h-" Dean's words fell silent as Gabriel eyed him, one brow raised in challenge waiting for Dean's 'threat.' "Um, not hit you, not that I actually _would,_ it's a figure of speech ya know? I'll hug you." 

Chuck chuckled, Gabriel chuffed and judging by the way Sam was hovering in the kitchen he was also overly amused at Dean's words. Cas tilted had head slightly watching Dean; his blue eyes were bright and amused, a barely there smile on his lips. 

"I warned you Cas, I told you if you keep questioning your place he'll hug you again." 

"Stop _looking_ at me like that Cas" Dean teased with a laugh, "I'm stressed people, leave me alone." 

A round of chuckles came from the room and Chuck stood to 

"Wait, Dean, did you just make _Chuck_ get his own burger?" Sam asked as he met the other man halfway between the kitchen and dining area with a plate and burger for him.

\---

Once they were all comfortably settled with their food and drink, Gabriel raised his glass halfway though everyone's first mouthful and announced a toast. 

"To the Winchesters, I never really liked you guys, Sam, and Dean, I thought of you are pains in the asses on an almost daily basis for a while there, and I took great enjoyment out of making you both suffer." 

Cas pulled a face and Dean huffed, "Yeah, we know." 

"And Castiel, you and I have had our ups and downs too, but you are and always will be my baby brother. I'm grateful to the Winchesters for the love and support they have shown you over the last few days especially, and I am very sure that it will continue on in the future. This, Cas's newfound humanity, is a new beginning for all of us, I will have to start playing nice with you two, Cas will have to adjust to humanity, Sam and Dean will have to adjust to having a new roomie, and myself who will be popping in now and then when I'm required. This is bordering on sappy and there is enough sweetness in what I bought for dessert no one wants me to get mushy. Thank-you." Gabriel raised his glass with a smile and the others followed suit. 

"To, Castiel Winchester" Sam announced grinning warmly at Cas. 

"How does that sound Cas?" Dean asked him also grinning. 

Cas grinned at them both affectionately, he looks from one brother to the other as if trying to find the words to sum up his emotions. 

"Thank-you," he told them gently, "Thank-you so much." 

Dean smiled again, wrapping an arm around Cas's back hugging the new human gently for a few moments, "You better get used to it Angel. You ain't getting rid of us anytime soon." 

"I wouldn't have it any other way, Dean." Cas told him and Dean grinned wider.


	8. The Drive Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm losing momentum with this people. :( This was my Nanowrimo last year and it's next month already and I haven't even halfway finished it.... :'( *writers block*

Cas had moments in the early weeks of his humanity where he truly struggled with _everything._ He battled days of nausea, (which he insisted against being healed by his brother,) he also had panic attacks, mainly triggered by things and memories that his mind gave him, often results from his restless sleep. Everything was only made worse as Dean would try to insist on Cas sharing his bad memories and Cas declining. 

The night after Chuck came to lunch, Sam woke for a toilet break and found Cas resting in an armchair of the living area of the hotel suit gazing at the night sky through the window. He was silent and didn't seem to notice Sam at all, it wasn't until Sam approached him, did the taller man realize Castiel was crying.

Cas had struggled to form the words to explain his tears or articulate his feelings, and Sam just sat with him until Cas calmed down, speaking anything he could offer to help. He didn't know how else to help him. Cas struggled with the fraction of human emotion he had experienced before he fell, it must be tenfold now. 

Sam hadn't told Dean about their conversation; it felt private almost. Sam hoped that Castiel would accept his offer for any future talks he might need. He also took Cas aside a few days later and shared some articles he had found about ways to help manage the what plagued him. 

\---

About a week after that night, Cas had announced that he wanted to go back to the bunker. The announcement was greeted with shock from Sam, Dean, and Gabriel, given that Cas had spent the morning vomiting the pancakes Dean had baked him for breakfast. Nevertheless, Castiel insisted that he believed that, "It would be better for everyone-" and he stressed, _everyone,_ "If we go back to the bunker." 

Gabriel just shrugged, agreeing that them settling back into their home and Cas not worrying about how he was 'burdening' the Winchesters by making them stay in a hotel room for weeks on end might be better for all of them. 

So it was agreed, they would leave the next day depending on how Cas was in the morning, Cas and Sam even spent the night making sandwiches from leftovers that they could eat on the journey.

The next day, they woke early, Sam eyed Cas's clumsy steps from his bedroom inquisitively; he had been regaining his former elegance, so it was curious. Sam shrugged it off, pinning it down to sleepiness.

"How did you sleep Cas?" Sam asked with a smile greeting his friend.

"I'm fine Sam," Cas said sourly, and Sam only nodded keeping his expression welcoming hiding his mild surprise at Cas's curt response. 

"Leave him be Sammy, Cas ain't a morning person are you buddy?" Dean winked at his friend placing a cup of freshly brewed coffee in front of him. "I've got fresh waffles in the iron, and we've got whipped cream and-"

"I'm not hungry, but thank you." Cas interrupted Deans enthusiasm. "I'll wait in my room so you two can eat without me bothering you," he said standing up from his seat, "I only wished to show my face and greet you both for the morning," he added before closing the door to his bedroom behind him.

"Cas?" Dean said confused, he rose, following Cas to his room. 

Sam watched him go; he sat for a few minutes scrolling through his phone before the smell of burning food drew his attention. _The waffles._

Sam threw away the burnt waffles and switched off the iron, it would only take a few minutes for it to warm up again, and it didn't seem like they would be making the journey home today after all, so there was no need to hurry.

The sound of raised voices stole his attention; he stared at the door of Cas's room. The loud voices only got louder; Sam moved towards the door at the sound of his brother yelling. 

He didn't want to interrupt, he _really_ didn't, but Dean had been taking Cas's words and actions a little too personally the whole time since he woke, and Dean being upset only made Castiel more upset. Sam ran a hand through his hair and sighed. How did their lives become _this?_

Before he reached the door himself, it swung open, and Dean emerged looking enraged. Sam opened his mouth to talk, but Dean's fiery glare took him aback, he brother slammed the same door behind him and was already on the way to the door leaving the apartment before Sam could argue. 

"Dean!?" Sam called in shock; he debated, Dean and Castiel, two people who he loved most in the world, who needed him more? Who knew where Dean was going, when he would stop or whether he would even listen to Sam's reason if he caught up with Dean; whereas Castiel, was in that room, no doubt struggling to form words to describe the emotions coursing through him. 

\---

The decision made, Sam approached the door quietly, he knocked lightly before opening the door far enough to poke his head inside. An all too familiar sight greeted him, except this, this was so much worse.

Castiel was sat on the side of the bed, his bare back to the doorway and Sam. Sam winced in secondhand pain seeing the wound on his friends back. Gabriel wasn't technically due for another few hours, but since this wasn't your usual flesh and bone wound, Gabriel had explained that it would directly respond to his emotions until Cas healed more. Castiel was sobbing, his shoulders heaving with heavy breaths, he spluttered sobs of anguish as he turned to see Sam. He approached him slowly, as he moved he noticed that Cas had returned his focus to his hand, as it clenched and unclenched. 

"Cas, you okay?" Sam asked, knowing the stupidity of his words before they even left his mouth but wanting just to say something. 

Cas nodded as Sam sat opposite him in an armchair, he worked harder to control his breathing but ended up in a coughing fit. 

Sam rose to help but backed away as Cas body withdrew against his attempts. 

"I'm sorry Sam, it's not you it's-" Cas covered his mouth as he coughed again, between heaving breaths. 

"Too many emotions?" Sam offered, "Is it a panic attack? Does it feel like it? Is the hand thing I told you about helping?" 

Cas took a shuddering breath and nodded slightly not meeting Sams' eyes. He returned to watching his hand as he flexed and unflexed his fingers and hand. 

"Whatever happened here, if you and Dean fought- well, I know you and Dean fought, I heard the yelling. Cas if he said something that upset you this much I can almost guarantee you he didn't mean it. He loves you, so so much and he is just terrified of fucking up, he doesn't want to lose you again. You're our family Cas; we need you, Dean _needs you._ He just isn't great with words. 

_This_ is why Sam researched depression and panic attacks without telling Dean. The fear in the big blue wet eyes the damp tear lines on the face of the being who will never understand just how much he means to the Winchesters. Sam wants to try to help Cas like Cas has helped them. 

"Dean doesn't understand, he _just doesn't_ Sam. He wanted to know why I wouldn't let him see my back; he doesn't understand." Sobs began to rack Castiel again, and Sam stared at him helplessly. 

"Hey, I've always wondered, when you were an Angel, what did your vessel feel like?" Sam asked after a few moments of quiet spar for Cas's tears. His voice was feigned calm although his question was sincere.

Cas looked at him with confusion, but Sam could hear the slight change in his breathing, the other man was trying to take calming breaths so he could answer Sam's questions. A look of understanding dawned in Cas's eyes.

"Y'know like, you can feel the tendons and the muscles and even the bones in your hand now, could you feel them when you were an Angel?" He pressed, hoping that Cas wasn't overthinking the fact that Sam was trying to help ease him from the panic attack. 

Cas shook his head as he looked at his hand as it moved, his breathing still a bit ragged. 

Sam frowned watching him, maybe this approach wouldn't work, he read that it was important to keep a safe distance from the person in case proximity only made them more upset, he read first-hand accounts about how people try to distract themselves from the feelings developing them. 

"The first time I was human," Cas said in a dry, quiet voice, he paused several deep breaths later he continued, "I got hit by a car." Cas told him, he swallowed thickly, he breathing beginning to calm and he used his other hand to wipe tears from his face. "I remember it clearly Sam." Cas looked up at him, eyes wet and slightly swollen from the tears, "It was the first thing I felt as a human. I felt physical pain, and I bled. Not just because it was the natural reaction from my vessel, but it was essentially my _own_ blood. It's an entirely different pain, physical, and emotional. I never really understood that til I was human." 

Sam watched him silently as Cas continued working to calm himself. He decided to go for a more direct approach again. "Whatever Dean said he didn't mean." 

Cas nodded but didn't look Sam in the eyes. "He said he didn't want me in the bunker if I didn't trust him enough to let him see my wound." 

"Deans just-" 

"I know this has been stressful on all of you; I considered putting on a facade, pretending I wasn't struggling as much as I am but Gabriel told me it would only anger Dean and make everything more difficult." Cas shook his head, "You've been wonderful Sam, very kind and supportive, but Dean. Everything I do, he seems to take it so personally."

"I know he does Cas. Do you want to talk to me about it? I won't tell Dean anything you don't want me too, I promise."

"He's your brother Sam." 

"So are you," Sam promised standing up and moving closer to sit next to him on the bed. "Whatever you need Cas, I'm here." 

"Sam, I am so _tired,_ and I just want to sleep. Dean kept pushing me, so I just took off my shirt yelled at him, to just _look at it,_ and I tried to make him, but he got angry and stormed off. I got so upset at his insistence; I didn't know how much it pained him until now. I am just so tired and I didn't notice he was upset with me, I wasn't attentive enough. Dean does so much for me but _this_ -" Cas stopped talking; he wrung his hands out in his lap, tears falling once again. 

"The scar is the everlasting proof that I am no longer, nor will I ever again be, an Angel of the Lord. I am weak and exhausted and in agony, I didn't want Dean and yourself to see me like this. I felt in my heart that I needed to be human, but in my mind I regret it." 

"Why?" 

"Because what if something happens and I can't help? I can't heal either of you if I can't go to your aide? How would either one of you forgive me if I couldn't save the other?" 

"Cas?" Dean's voice interrupted them; they spun around to see a debased looking Dean standing in the doorway. 

"I'll go make you a PB&J so you can eat something before you sleep." Sam told him, a hand softly on his shoulder, "If you need me just call." 

"Wait-" Cas called him back, "I still want to go home." 

"Today? Cas it's a long journey- wouldn't you rather sleep?" 

"Dean said it was only a couple of hours, I can sleep in the car, I won't bleed on the seats I promise."

Sam and Dean exchanged glances, "Okay, I'll make some PB&J's for the journey then, put them with the rest of the food we made last night." Sam excused himself from the room, closing the door behind him again.

Dean walked tentatively towards Cas, he pulled a clean sheet from the cupboard and wrapped it around Cas. "We'll need Gabriel to come down and heal you, just to give you a little-." Dean shook his head; he watched Cas's face as he sat down a little too close to the other man. 

"Castiel, you are always gonna be my Angel. Even if something like that does happen, I don't care alright? I promise you, I swear on Sammy's life, that I will never resent you for giving up your grace. Sam and I, me especially, I'm gonna spend the rest of my life trying to make up for the crap we've put you through." 

Cas shook his head raising a hand to stop Dean, but Dean held the hand. 

"Listen to me Cas, okay? What was it? Eight years? How many times have I said thank-you? Told you how much I love you, how much you mean to me?" Dean sighed, "I will never forgive myself for making you leave last time you were Human Cas. I will never forgive myself for not cluing in on just how bad you were feeling. I am sorry Cas. I didn't mean to take it out on you." Dean pulled him close, carefully wrapping his arms around Cas's tender back. Cas buried his face in Dean's shoulder. 

"I know." Cas told him quietly, his arms snaking around Dean's body. 

" _I love you._ " Is what he wanted to say, what he _should_ say, but he had so many conflicting thoughts.

"I think I'm a bit jealous which is crazy," Dean muttered after a long moment's silence. "I guess I'm used to us being the only ones you have y'know? It's real selfish but seeing you with Gabriel, Cas I know practically nothing about you as it turns out. I'm jealous. You let him take care of you and not me; I want to be your best friend y'know? I'll work on it, Buddy." 

"Could you stay with me? When we get home? We could watch tv, or you could watch TV, and I could sleep," Cas's voice uttered, it was more muffled than his voice before as he buried his face more into Deans warmth. 

His angel, his friend, Cas was so worried about losing them, _losing him_ that- oh this was so fucked up. 

"Course I will Cas," Dean vowed, holding him impossibly closer.

"I haven't been able to sleep very well; I've been having nightmares." 

"Again? Why didn't you tell me?" Dean sighed, not annoyed just so sad that things were so hard for Cas.

"Every time I woke up you were sleeping peacefully," Cas said sounding peaceful at the thought.

Dean held him, and sighed, he laid a kiss on Cas's hair. He couldn't help himself; he made a decision as his lips lay on his dark hair, one that broke his heart but he knew it was right. 

He took a deep breath; he withdrew from Cas's embrace. "I'm gonna go speed up Sam with that sandwich, and I'll work on making Baby a little comfier." He said, opening one of the bags they packed the night before and pulled some clean clothes out for Cas, he handed them to Cas who nodded. "You right to call Gabe?"

Cas nodded, and Dean smiled as he left the room, closing the door behind him, anticipating Gabriel's arrival and giving Cas privacy. 

Dean turned to find Sam sitting at the dining table with a freshly made PB&J sandwich looking at him with a smug grin. 

"Congratulations," Sam said with a beaming smile on his face as he stood up and pulled a confused Dean into a hug. 

"What? No- I didn't tell him, Sam," Dean grumbled, and Sam quickly released him, withdrawing his arms in shock. 

"What do you mean you _didn't tell him?_ That was the perfect time to!"

"The perfect time?" Dean asked him in horror, "You're kidding me right? The guy just said how his greatest fear is disappointing me, or me resenting him. How does that seem like a good moment to tell the guy I love him?"

Sam stared at him.

"No." Dean said, "I'm not telling him, I can't." 

"Ever?" Sam asked him softly, his voice disappointed and sympathetic. 

"What if I lose him? What if he doesn't love me back?"

"It's Cas we're talking about here Dean," Sam said as if it were the simplest thing in the world.

"I know! It's _Cas_ the guy who barely believes we love him at all let alone me going in there and telling him that I _love love_ him, that's not fair. What if he didn't know that was what I was telling him?" 

"Dean, you just have to take some time to show him-" 

"I need to be his friend; that's all." 

"Barely two weeks and you're already fighting. How-" Sam tried to reason.

"Just don't Sam, I don't care." Dean silenced him, "Cas doesn't need a boyfriend right now." 

"He needs love Dean, and you finally being able to love him properly would be more than he-" 

"No." Dean stopped him again; Dean tried to pull himself together, "I'm not boyfriend material Sam. It's better like this." 

" _For who?_ " Sam asked him quietly, but Dean shook his head, "I'm going for a walk. Gabriel should be here soon, don't go in without knocking. 

 

\--

Gabriel arrived soon after; he healed his brother, then with Sam's help, Castiel told Gabe about the morning and informed him that they were still going to drive home. Cas went down to the carpark to help Dean, and privately Sam filled the Arch Angel in on what he missed, including Sam's frustration at Dean's decision. Gabriel shared his disappointment, although he shared a list of ideas he had been compiling of situations to squish the love right out of their 'hopeless brothers' until they both confess. 

"Wait, so Cas loves him too?" Sam had asked him in mild surprise.

"Oh sure, I'm pretty sure he always has. The Angels of Heaven aren't all we're cracked up to be Sam; Cas is the famous spanner in the works after all. Naomi's rewrote that kid so many times; I'm not proud of much, but I'm proud of him. Would I be surprised if he had fallen in love as he was raising the righteous man from Hell?   
\------------  
The drive wasn't easy, but Cas was adamant that the car-sickness was a side effect of his injuries and wouldn't be a permanent issue. Before they knew it, they were sitting in a Steakhouse a half hour from the bunker. They had munched on the sandwiches, and Cas had eaten his PB&J at the hotel, but Dean was longing for some red meat. 

Alas, here they were, food ordered and Dean still chipper with pride after Cas had mirrored his order, Gabriel had even decided to join them, and he healed Cas just to maximize his comfortable in the wooden chair and overall as his stomach had settled shortly before they stopped. 

Gabriel did excuse himself to check out the local bakeries and sweet stores returning to their table as they started their meal. All three of them had ordered steak burgers, but Sam opted for a side of salad rather than the fries Dean and Castiel favored. When Gabriel returned they were witnessing Cas's first taste of a proper steakhouse burger and the two brothers had very different reactions to the sounds of pleasure that spilled from Cas's full lips. 

Sam looked on as Cas enjoyed his first mouthful of steakhouse burger and the following noises of pleasure with a grin on his face, he chuckled before taking his first bite. Dean, however, watched on with a slightly agape mouth and hooded eyes, his burger in his hands halfway towards his lips. 

"Thirsty Dean?" Gabriel asked his eyes were twinkling. Dean didn't appear to have heard him, so a kick in the shin from Sam pulled him out of his thoughts with flushed cheeks.

When Castiel excused himself to use the restroom after their meal, Gabriel accused Dean of hitting on the bartender despite proclaiming his love and practically drooling over the sight of the man eating a burger. 

"I wasn't _drooling_ Gabriel, c'mon." Dean said taking another sip of beer. Gabriel informed them that Sam would be driving the rest of the way as he didn't want Dean driving Cas around when he'd been drinking. 

"You know Dean; I've never seen you so disappointed to be eating a burger."

"You too? Seriously Sam?" He asked desperately.

"You had meat in your mouth just not the kind you wanted," Gabriel added under his breath the same moment that Dean had taken another sip and just as Cas had emerged from the restroom. Cas sat back down at the table to find Sam and Gabe stifling giggles and Dean coughing up beer he had accidently inhaled. 

When they arrived at the bunker, Cas went to his room and reacquainted himself with his space; he skimmed through the photographs on his sideboard with a smile on his as the three of them discussed the future. 

"We obviously need to go shopping at some point, we could all do with some new clothes, Dean and I would normally get them from op-shops, but I think we can splurge for a change," Sam smiled.

"Gabriel gave me a credit card, so I can buy anything we need." 

"Angels are tapping credit cards now?" Dean asked, nodding looking quite impressed.

"He gave it to me to remind me that things are different this time." Cas mentioned quietly, before speaking louder piling the photos together on the side table again, "It's not a fake card, it's just magic." 

"Right." Dean nodded, and Sam frowned as they remembered _last time._

"I would like to visit Clarie if possible," Cas said after a few moments turning back to the boys. "And the woman caring for her." 

"That's an excellent idea! We promised Jody we'd visit more often, I think she'd love to meet you Cas." Sam said. 

"If you wanted, you could get an anti-possession tattoo, like ours. It's up to you, but they sure are handy. Your first tattoo can be a bitch, though." 

"Oh, I got a tattoo last time too." Cas told him with a smile, "One that warded me from angels."

Dean looked surprised, "Oh."

"I would like to get the tattoo, though, Father might suggest I get the same I got last time too. It's still a possibility some angels will come after me, not all is well in Heaven, even with Father back. It will just be an extra layer of protection." 

"What, they're still after you?"

Cas didn't reply to their question; rather he gazed for several moments at a photograph "Maybe I should by Claire a present!" He suggested excitedly.

The boys nodded, taking Cas's hint.

"What do you want for dinner Cas?" Sam asked as he tucked Cas's borrowed clothes into the drawers, "You want anything in particular?" 

"I'm not very hungry Thank you, Sam, I think my body is still adapting to having to eat, I greatly enjoyed our late lunch, though. If I wake up, and I hunger, I'll have a snack." 

"Okay." Sam nodded, "I'm just gonna drop the rest of the bags off in our rooms." he said excusing himself, eyeing Dean curiously as he stayed seated by Cas on the bed.

"You know Cas, this mattress, it's not the best, and your back won't be happy in the morning if you sleep on this." 

Cas tilted his head in puzzlement at Deans words.

"You should-" Dean cleared his throat stupidly nervous, "You should probably sleep with me. I have memory foam, and you wanted me to stay with you. We can eat popcorn and watch a bit of Netflix! Or... you can just zonk out. I promise my mattress will be better for you than this one, I might get you a better one tomorrow actually, I'll take one of the old pickup trucks down to town."

"Are you sure?" Cas asked his blue eyes wide with surprise at Deans offer.

"Yes, honestly I think the only way either of us is gonna get any sleep tonight is together, that way you won't be alone if you have a rough time, and I won't be tossing worrying about whether or not you need me." 

"Thank you, Dean." 

"Why don't you get changed into however your most comfortable and go to my room when your ready and I'll just go grab a sandwich, I'm not all that hungry myself." 

\--

Sam was a little surprised to see Dean and Cas in bed together, Dean on his back, an arm splayed out across both pillows, with Cas on his side facing Dean. He wasn't going even to hope that Dean shared his secret, he was just glad they weren't fighting anymore, and that Cas was resting peacefully. He smiled, before turning off the light of his brother's room, but leaving the door slightly ajar and the light on in the hall hoping that if Cas woke up in distress, he would recognize his surroundings even in the dim lightness. 

It was certainly a relief to be back in their space, and he hoped this would take some of the pressure off their relationships. Sam just wanted Cas and Dean to be happy, together or not, but he wasn't going to interject, he might whine or gossip to Gabriel now and again, but that was harmless. He liked having Gabriel around; it gave a nice change. Things were looking up, in the last twelves hours they had some of the worse times and some of the best times, what a day.


End file.
